In a room with two ADHD people as they shout at each other about what they did last night

billionaire: we need radical solutions for Earth Day. Think bold. Biofuels. Space mirrors. Plankton fertilization.

advisor: what about a 2% wealth tax?

billionaire: …Cloud seeding. Turbine farms in the Sahara. A Dyson sphere.

I watched Wrestlemania in the best way possible: with a feral cat in my lap while holding a broken phone over my head

just saw someone call Kash Patel “J Edgar Boozer” and need to lie down

"This is not my first rodeo," I proclaim confidently, not realising I've signed up for the circus.

We also had hope, in those heady years of punk and new wave such hope we had

Three days of cats and books and now someone is yelling at me about vacation time and Cozumel ffs

Magnolias are an ancient species of tree pollinated by beetles because they evolved prior to bees. What are you even doing with your life, you piece of shit.

Mack Bolan cover with Mack looking the business

You know, that Mack Bolan doesn’t fuck around

“euthanasia for one, please” -me, at the doctor’s office

Spent ten minutes today trying to decide on what plastic bin to buy to store my winter jackets. Death must be near.

nice boner where’d you get it. the boner store

The cheques don’t bounce

Just wait five minutes and it will be open again. Wait seven and it will be closed.

If you want a true insight into the American psyche, look at the people in the first three rows at Wrestlemania

I'm going to eat 10,000 babybels and meet god on his terms

I'm not afraid of anything, I remember when television used to just cut to static after midnight.

Who can they invade next

New album drop looks killer

Field reporter: Bob, the mood is somber here. I'm hoping to talk to anyone who can tell us more about this tragedy.

Bee Gees: *clear throats*

It’s a great world if you have tons of cash and no empathy

C’mon, it’s just a parting grift

a tearful farewell to the grass in my yard but making it quick because i don't like lawn goodbyes

It’s all in how you couch things

Has anyone tried holy water

Do you know hard it is to have ethics these days

Next time, instead of DoorDash Grandma delivering to Trump, can we have DoorDash Luigi Mangione instead?

Bring back Doctor Who but with only a $200 budget per episode

Maybe the real blockade was the friends we pissed off along the way

when there was only one set of footsteps, I was running the fuck away