Open the door - check
Get on the floor - check
Walk the dinosaur - fuck off

Is this wallowing hole taken?

Told my kid that the place where they train racehorses is called a gymneighsium and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

OMG!
You're all doing it wrong!
Here let me fuck it up

🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star
Please explode and put an end to this madness🎶

I want friends, but I'm afraid they will try to talk to me.

museums are like “hey check out how obsessed ancient humans were with vases”

Fuck you. I'm hilarious,babycheeks.
When I'm not saddened by every fucking thing..

this email could have been a message in a bottle floating out at sea

Hearing AI is 2 or 3 years from wiping out humanity put a little pep in my step this morning

Running errands and hitting the butcher shop after the dispensary could easily become a high stakes situation.

Looking for a walking machine (a machine that goes out and walks for me while I stay home and cry).

No AirPods today. Just me, raw-dogging reality like some commoner

"The only people I owe my loyalty to are those who never made me question theirs."

~ Unknown

i’m sleeping wrong can have you walking around in a neck brace the next day years old

apparently my socks never remember the buddy system whenever i wash them… any science on this?

as the basic bitch once said: i can’t even right now

my wife said you can’t fix depression with iced coffee & reckless optimism
i said that’s all the fuck i do

When the instructions say to 'store in a cool, dark place', my first thought is 'oh, my heart'.

haven’t we been through purgatory long enough already

asked my 8 yr old what she wants from Santa this year. with no hesitation,"rip away pants"

Lucky for me, this isn’t a comedy account.

Remember when we used to say 'anal retentive' instead of OCD?

Haha, good times. Anyway your fly's open

I'm more prepared for a zombie apocalypse than answering the door.

I'm not leaving my house without Hulk Hands ever again.

Just hanging out, spreading vitriol.