This day in history. 2015. National Tea Day in the United Kingdom. Dreadful stuff, tea. Poisons the insides and breaks the spirit. My uncle Petey gave up whisky and switched to tea and never pulled a quarter out of my ear again.
Skål! [Fra H.W. Larsens nyhedsmail]
Dén joke afholder jeg mig fra.
Kunne næsten være på Mandrilaftalens programoversigt
me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
librarian: stop talking
Disney originally planned to make a “Hannah” for all 50 states.
Biggest Revelations From The ‘Hannah Montana’ Reunion theonion.com/biggest-revelations-from...
“DENNE bliver siddende (den selvklæbende silikoneknop, som får køkkenskuffen til at lukke tyst).”
I understand that, when my dog stops on our walks to sniff every goddamn twig and each freakin’ blade of grass, she is decoding, deciphering, and analyzing the complicated world around her, but what I can’t quite figure out is exactly what she plans on doing with that information.
Protip
Interviewer: It says here you're good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Eller gør jeg?
Another Fine Mess…
Funeral Canceled Due To Runaway Corpse
Funeral Canceled Due To Runaway Corpse
“Doctors won’t tell you this, but you don’t need medication for a tapeworm—all you need is the natural power of friction,” Robert F. Kennedy Jr. said as he dropped to the floor, lifted his legs high, and dragged his ass along the White House carpet during a press conference.
[Karate club]
instructor: always expect the unexpected
me: but if I expect the unexpected, it won’t be unexpected when it happens
instructor: *stabs me*
me: hmm, I wasn’t expecting that
A large gray cat sits on a partially-closed shoebox. Another cat’s face pokes out of the open corner of the box.
Not enough has been written about Schrödinger’s assistant, Otto.
“Whoever stole the purple marker, please return it!” written in green on a whiteboard. “No!” is written in purple below it.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
… men “Tager på sengen” har også appel.
Relatives Gather From Across The Country To Stare Into Screens Together
Relatives Gather From Across The Country To Stare Into Screens Together theonion.com/relatives-gather-from-ac...
Såe… En lille lakridspibe er en lakridspipette?
Two seals facing each other on a beach with mountains and penguins in the background.
“Know what I got for Hanukkah?”
“What?”
“A new vacuum cleaner.”
“Well, that sounds nice!”
“Eh, it’ll probably just gather dust.”
“Haha! Good one, Morty!”
“Thanks, Irving.”
“You should go tell Saul that one.”
“Good idea! Be right back.”
Så behøver I ikke foretage søgningen.
My boss: please stop using air quotes every time you say work
Der er stadig nogle, der mener, at Fabergé-hønen kom først.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
The image shows a white cat inside a birdcage with a small bird perched on top of the cage.
For the life of her, Chloe could not figure out how what had seemed like such a good plan, had gone so terribly, terribly wrong.
Watch carefully and you can see right through her eyes into the headrest.
#WorldBollardAssociation
Flight Attendant: No animals on board
Me: He’s my therapy parrot
Parrot: Back off, she needs me. Which is her mother's fault
