And for tonight’s Super Bowl halftime protest, Carrie Underwood and DJ Willy Yank will be reading excerpts from the 1994 screenplay ‘Forrest Gump’.

IMAX? I’ve been calling her Glinda!

my primary school football coach was like “if you don’t stop picking flowers on the oval we’re going to stop putting you on” and I don’t think he understood the art of the threat.

my parking fines have gotten so bad they’ve started texting my boyfriend.

my superannuation just invited me to a ball

this feels very lesbian somehow

Hi there! Thanks for your email. This contact has been raptured and will respond in 3-5 eternal lifetimes.

paracetamol causes orgasm.

they really need a higher quality app for those of us in the next eschelon

is Raya glitching for anyone else today? so random!

your English teacher and your gym teacher are fucking your drama teacher.

I am officially coming out as Australia’s first openly gay man in the entertainment industry.

right in front of my chromatica curry?

do you condemn Jamie Lee Curtis?

is he… you know… exempt from the Turkish army?

Freakiest Friday: The Fridayenning.

now this is Australia #hottest100

Julie gonna kick my croquembussy.

sorry I’m late I ended up hate watching 100 hours of the most annoying gay couple on the planet again.

my wife cheated on me at the Vengaboys concert and boom boom boom boom.

I think I suffer from tit blindness. gun to my head I couldn’t tell you the size of a single person’s breasts.

successfully made myself reliant on lip balm for no apparent reason ✔️

this Coldplay jumbotron is the slippery slope they warned us about... thanks gay marriage.

when I was a kid my mum signed me and my siblings up for “the laugh club” at the local parish and it was us and a dozen older Catholic women lying on the floor in a circle in a bungalow behind the church cry-laughing for an hour straight.

sentence that would kill a Victorian child: “I’m going to kill you, Victorian child!!!”

new Barbie with narcissistic personality disorder just dropped

I was the ringbearer at the Bezos-Sánchez wedding extravaganza. AMA.

the funniest word is pervert. closely followed by crone. honorary mention to tart and kerfuffle.

just built a coat rack from IKEA and only cracked the shits twice. giving myself a valium as a treat.

just watched the wicked for good trailer. dolly parton cameos and fiyero shows hole. venmo me $50 for link.