Drones will not make it to Los Angeles because I tried to schedule brunch with them.

Pru lost both hands in a blender during the technical challenge and said nothing because she’s metal as hell #gbbo

(Taps mic) testing… testing… First Amendment… testing…

Thank you!

I’m gonna make a disaster movie called, “A Series of Terrible Decisions.” Or maybe, “The Mayor Never Listens.”

If you’re in a movie and you have a late night business meeting and it happens to be in a greenhouse then put down your shears and kiss your ass goodbye.

What if Trump is Keyser Soze only instead of looking at a bulletin board he’s looking at a list of unqualified candidates.

All those UFO sightings in the U.S. this week are advanced civilizations getting a closer look, then awkwardly excusing themselves because they “have an early meeting.”

If someone asked me how to write comedy - which has never happened - I would direct them to this scene.

The more I think about it, the more I realize I would have been a great asset to Hobbs & Shaw because I have personal conflicts with neither Hobbs nor Shaw and therefore would be able to think with a clear head, rather than with all the shouting and baby oil.

If you own a landscaping business and you don’t call it Kneel Before Sod I’m not sure what you think you’re doing here

This is what they would use on Star Trek if they had to scare some villagers.

Is it unfair that Nathan Fillion's mustache is so glorious in person and mine is so socially unacceptable.