do i dare come back to bluesky because jesus christ twitter is getting BAD

Me: Hey can you do your dishes
My roommate The Buddha: Perhaps your problem is not my dishes but your attachment to a clean sink
Me: Alright man

the CEO shooter had three D words written on the bullets he shot. D, D, D... a sly reference to Carlos Mencia's iconic catchphrase

had a dream that i owned a shitty 2000s comedy on dvd with lots of big stars, but the selling point was that it was only 46 minutes long and there was a big banner on the front of the dvd that said “just over 30 minutes!!”

FOOD MART DOOF TRAM WHAT DID YOU SAY ? DOOF TRAM

DOOF TRAM

looks like spaghetti

post this on your profile today to make sure federal agents know that everything you posted today was just jokes

cj (chilling) @TOS_Violator the only lasting 9/11 memory i have is when the budweiser ad with the kneeling clydesdales came on during the super bowl and i said "those horses are praying to mecca" and my friend's uncle got so mad that he had to go in the backyard

yes sir mr elon musk sir

oh my god see you guys later i’m about to be rich

FRANK SINATRA: Alright listen up boys we're gonna rob five casinos

DEAN MARTIN: Ring a ding ding baby ha ha

RED SKELETON: I've got a BONE to pick with you, Danny Ocean! NYEHEHEHEH

In 40 years hawk tuah will be the leader of New United States

it’s so crazy, he looks like agent 47 doing that

Good news for the CEO of UnitedHealthcare: there are no concerns about preexisting conditions in hell

i hate to be one of those “i was born in the wrong generation” guys, but sometimes. SOMETIMES!

still can’t believe he did that

This has made me smile more times than almost anything else on the internet

covfefe amiright

just had an idea

tradwife, in the sense that she chases me around with a rolling pin

shoutout to palcord because this is like twitter but now people can actually see my tweets and like them out of pity

Watching iCarly lol #90skid

the radio was the greatest invention i don’t think we needed to progress past that

they did not go out but tomorrow after work, hoo baby get ready