wife: and this is me with the kids in Hawaii...their father isn't in the picture

friend: that must be so tough on you

me: to be clear, I took that photo

2026 Frank Sinatra: Stop spreading the news

Just finished ALIEN: EARTH because I am very hip and totally with the trends. Quick question: We aren't supposed to *like* Joe Hermit (the brother) are we?

Biblically accurate potato salad.

Me: Well, well, well. Look who's back so soon.

Friday the 13th:

Who called it a funky bass solo instead of a Flea infestation?

Friday the 13th feels less threatening when you remember most bad decisions happen on a Monday.

I respect people who jog in the morning.
Not enough to join them, but I respect it.

It has come to my attention that my loud coworker is days away from having a nuclear weapon

*artillery rains down around our trench*
"Smoke 'em if you got 'em," Sarge growls.
"Finally," I exclaim, arranging my cedar chips under a perforated tray of mussels.

it’s the middle of the week
we could all use more butthole

professor x: what's your power?

me: deflection

professor x: bullets? gamma rays?

me: criticism

professor x: that’s a stupi—

me: say, is that a new tie?

I adopted a dog from Iceland and everyone thinks he’s vicious, but his Bjork is way worse than his bite

There’s always a Starbucks drink that sounds like it spends the summer in the Hamptons.

I support women’s rights and women’s wrongs. Especially mine.

What wine pairs best with power? I want to be drunk with multiple things at once.

*making sounds of enjoyment while eating Reese's peanut butter cups*

Husband: Sometimes I think you love those more than me.

Me:

Husband: Well?

Me:

*goes back to eating peanut butter cups*

If I get possessed, I hope the demon at least handles the things I’ve been avoiding.

Liking my posts counts towards your completionist bonus.

VC Andrews taught me that if something feels off, it is. And it’s probably hereditary.

The Lost Boys is what happens when red flags have great hair.

Quit trapping your thirsts. Sounds unhealthy.

Grateful for the posts that make me giggle

If loving cheese is wrong, I don’t want to be grate.

I like long, romantic walks away from the Super Bowl.

Tell me my short paragraph texts are annoying then proceed to ping me 20 times in 30 seconds

*loves you, just the way you are.

Boogers ARE funny. Shut. Up.

Lately, my emotional range is somewhere between “Jimmy crack corn” and “I don’t care.”