The Butt-Head in me recognizes the Beavis in you

(bragging to buddies)

You should see the other guy.

The other guy is married with kids. He's happy. It's been ten years since the fight.

just saw a little old fella walking up the lane with his yellow fluffy dog and sit it on a wall to take a cute landscape photo 🥹

There is nothing familiar about the inside of this whale but the swallowing took me back. The 90's indie rock scene, books I thought I should read, too much time with the wrong person, all in boxes outside, oh shit my ex kicked me out of this whale

I guess if babies were born with teeth there is a chance those mean fuckers would eat themselves right out of there, huh?

I am looking for a serious relationship. Servere. Sober. Austere. Preferably with a man in mourning.

don’t invite me to your party unless you have a mystery for me to solve

There are some ways around not wanting to know something, but like anything with a catch there's a knowing something you didn't even know you didn't want to know so...I tricked you into eating flashcards

Me: ...at the time we lived in a gay neighborhood

12YO: "Gay neighborhood?"

15YO: It's a neighborhood that's attracted to another neighborhood of the same gender

We hit a bump and now everyone on the bus knows that my briefcase is just filled with hotdogs

what if: buttered toast for every meal

My brother was a breech baby. It took years to get him to stop coming through doorways butt first.

Not to be dramatic, but my dog has a lil mushroom shaped nose w a round onion head & it’s just so fuckin cute sometimes it makes me wanna punch myself in the face till I spit out puddles of teeth. I can’t stand it!

WHO THE FUCK'S IDEA WAS IT TO LET THE HORSES PERFORM SURGERY AGAIN? THEY HAVE GOT HOOVES FOR HANDS. MAYBE MR. DUMPTY WOULD HAVE HAD A CHANCE IF WE'D HAVE CALLED A DOCTOR RATHER THAN FUCKING SEABISCUIT.

Dressing up with shiny bits and baubles on for my hike so a murder of crows pick me up and carry me home with them

Breathing and cursing like your ancestors did by the kitchen window, understanding everything now. The sea was out there, in a rage always cursing never breathing it's out there still. But you have dolphin yoga

If you always open a bag of chips upside down it's because a very naughty potato has cursed your entire snackline. But I'm seriously, do not be too disappotatoed in yourself

I never wanted to post this path. I started out as a walking stick account, but then I poked my first stupidest shit I could think of and the stick treeactivated

They really should've called male frogs 'dadpoles'

this is making me think. it’s like a diuretic for my brain and now i’m just thinking uncontrollably. oh god it's getting everywhere

me: my exercise teacher just said “make sure your torso is above your pelvis” duh where else would it be

picasso: uh,,,,

if you don't feel funny, go watch a bug for a little while and think about how you act

I’ve decided to respect the decision you made in my head as a direct result of our fictional conversation.

I’ve decided to become a concept

Siri why is my baby still bald

Wild to me that sea horses are considered fish when they’re clearly just little guys

People who say "your ass is mine" know very little about my stubborn and deeply annoying ass

casually mentioning the word pizza three or four times in the afternoon on days i don’t want to make dinner… is this phishing?

women who hate men generally just hate what men have done to them whereas men who hate women mostly just hate what women won’t do for them

the difference is crucial

At the punk show clapping politely and hoping no one spills my $10 beer