I’m in Florida.

The first question that I’ve been asked at THREE valet parking spots at family amusement parks:

“Ya got a gun in the car, sir?”

This is the face of a man that has been to three amusement parks in three days with his autistic, roller coaster obsessed son.

He’s a broken man, yes

Most of our representatives are 90 and won’t risk anything that isn’t fully manicured by their PR team.

Technology catching up with representation is decades behind.

Are there other footballs teams?

They literally “took our guns”.

Dude thinks he’s Klingon, but knows he’s Ferenghi

HITLER: I’ve made a huge mistake.

I fucking LOVE fluoride.

let's talk about sticks baby
let's break em right off a tree
let's talk albout all the throwing
and the fetching that could be

What time does butthole Bluesky start?

In fairness, think about how good this “I told you so” is gonna feel.

“28 Years Later: Bone Temple box office bomb!”

Dudes! We. Can’t. Afford. It.

I still don’t think that 45 is tool old to become Robocop.

Revision night.

The story always tells the truth once I stop arguing with it.

Not to judge but you look like the kind of person who says ‘acquired’ instead of ‘bummed’

-100% of my followers would fix me

Writing fiction is mostly discovering which sentences you’ve been using as armor.

Quiet Revolt.

For when you cannot change the system, but you can do something

A new piece of short fiction

open.substack.com/pub/peculiar...

Jesus Christ! Somebody hide Sarah Connor!!

I’m starting to think that maybe not everyone wants to just chill-lax

Whoever invented Scrabble was into some really word shit.

Dude. If you’re mean to ducks I will fuck you up.

Do you even daydream about being a Starship Captain, bro?!

Dumb fucking birds.

Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’

They say time is the fire in which we burn.

They also say that bologna has a first name.

So, I don’t know what to fucking believe

“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”

“Vicodin.”

A new piece of short fiction from somewhere in the back of my head.

They Let Us March Once a Year

open.substack.com/pub/peculiar...