“euthanasia for one, please” -me, at the doctor’s office

I remember when I was with my moms lawyer friends and they were trying to figure out the meaning of this word thinking it was Spanish and then my Brazilian friend schooled them saying it was Portuguese.

They're working on a fourth Harold & Kumar movie. I'm here for it.

The Norman Rockwell FREEDOM OF SPEECH painting, in which a man is standing up to speak at a town council meeting or something.

"Jesus Christ, you're tall."

if it happens once that’s understandable that’s just a mistake, but if you play john mayer twice in a row at the coffee shop i have to assume some things

Some of you are not getting tipsy in the club, and it shows

earth day is just something they invented to sell you more earth

US economy is celebrating 420 by raising the price of eggs to 4.20. per egg.

I’ve been waiting on a black hole sun since ‘94

We are each touching the stove at our own pace

Four hundred and twenty bottles of weed in my wall (uterine)

pot roast is just beef you cook at 420°

I remember the days you could ride piggyback with your bf in drive thru and order food.

If you ask me if I see the humor in things. I will take off my glasses and say No.

I’m at the age where any discomfort could be the end

World Violence Day

California king is a mattress that’s sober aside from smoking weed

What's your Spring look?

1. pollen zombie
2. pale sea witch
3. frazzled garden gnome
4. feral forest Muppet

Peter Parker should have to molt like other spiders.

More gingerale madam?

My favorite part after sex is checking to make sure that they didn't steal anything from my house.

stairway to fuck it i'll just wait for you down here

I'm not a serial killer. I can stop any time I want to

The past tense to bang is bung

Aw fuck, I’m reposting from the discover page

You can always tell how often your gym bro friend has injured themselves by how much they know about anatomy.

Every time I get tricked I tell people it was by a tiny little man but the truth of the matter is full size man usually

whoever came up with the term webmaster was probably insufferable

Damn girl are you a price tag on the bottom of a coffee mug? Cause I can't seem to get you off

BREAKING: "Norbit" is leaving Pluto TV this week!