Protip: With the addition of one (1) simple ingredient, you can transform any tote bag into a baby goat bag.

He probably only subscribed for the free tote bag.

With the help of the Sandy Hook families, The Onion has reached a long-awaited deal to take over InfoWars.

We've enlisted the help of @timheidecker.bsky.social, who will be InfoWars' Creative Director.

Please stand by for more.

BIG CHALLENGES

Oh no. I am so sorry Nem. You have been so good for that majestic creature.

John Schwartzwelder in The New Yorker: "It's the only way I know how to write, darn it. But I do have a trick that makes things easier for me. Since writing is very hard and rewriting is comparatively easy and rather fun, I always write my scripts all the way through as fast as I can, the first day, if possible, putting in crap jokes and pattern dialogue- "Homer, I don't want you to do that." "Then I won't do it."Then the next day, when I get up, the script's been written. It's lousy, but it's a script. The hard part is done. It's like a crappy little elf has snuck into my office and badly done all my work for me, and then left with a tip of his crappy hat. All I have to do from that point on is fix it. So I've taken a very hard job, writing, and turned it into an easy one, rewriting, overnight. I advise all writers to do their scripts and other writing this way. And be sure to send me a small royalty every time you do it."

Couldn't be me. I just ask a terrible elf.

"You think HE likes ham--wait 'til you see ME like ham!"

A pixel art image of the face of a bear from the video game "Altered Beast" (1989). Its expression is one of "grim bear determination".

Hello. It is me. I am Bear, from Sega's hit 1988 game, Altered Beast. I hope your day is going well. Do you have any honey. Hello

What a bad take! Boo! Boooo!

Remember when Todd made headlines by messin' up his taxes so bad that he almost got lethal injection?

Finitied

On and on. Apr 10 2018

Have you guys heard about chicken?!

A little old black dog stands in the tulips. He is licking his chops.

A silly little white dog sits in the tulips. He does not even know what the alphabet is.

These Guys

I Work Very Hard, And I Would Like To Try Cake By A Horse Hello. I am a horse. I work very hard at my job of being a horse. When humans say move the heavy thing, I move the heavy thing. When humans sit on top of me and pull on my head, I carry them where they want to go. The main food the humans give me is hay and oats. But I am thinking it would be nice to have a different food. I am thinking I would like to try cake. Yes, yes. Cake. I know all about it. When humans eat cake, it is in glad times. It is the food for a celebration, such as when a woman becomes 47. I have seen cake on the Fourth of July. When humans have a cake, they stand around it and clap hands and smile and say happy birthday at each other. Sometimes there are beautiful markings on a cake, such as balloons or a pink shape. Sometimes the top of a cake is on fire and a boy must blow on the fire with mouth wind. This is the scariest cake. I do not want this kind. But I will eat any other cake. Any cake that is not the fire cake that tries to kill the boy. Please understand: I do not get money for doing work. I do not get to go inside the house. All I am either doing my horse job or standing in my pen or eating food off the floor. I always do these things. But I have never once gotten cake and I would like it very much. I have noticed that human children get to eat cake. But I am bigger than the children. I am more helpful to the farm. Children do not move the heavy things like me or let anyone ride on them. And yet they get cake. Maybe the humans will realize this. Maybe they will say, "You know who deserves cake? That horse. That horse whose back we are always on." Every day I dream about what it will be like if I get to eat cake. Here is what will happen. First, I will walk to the cake and putt my nose at it like hrrfff to make and stomping my hooves to make sure it is not a snake. Then I will trot in a circle to show that I am a horse and I am large. After that, I will nuzzle the cake to …

The horse op-ed is an instant classic. I can't tell you how much joy this piece gives me.

It should be taught in every introductory writing class in no small part because the horse arguments are so compelling. "I have noticed that human children get to eat cake. But I am bigger than the children."

A small dog smiles in the grass

A small dog?! Go on...

You know, I think you're right. First thing tomorrow morning, I'm going to punch Lenny in the back of the head.

Moo Deng the hippo. Her nose, tongue, and lower jaw are covered in delicious sand. Caption: "I WAS NOT EATING SAND"

SLUGGO spelled in worms, with the subtitle reading "Dey pays him in woims" musically

Prospective logo needs some woik.

A little white dog smiles like a goon. The Rider-Waite-Smith version of "The Fool" tarot card is spliced into the image to provide humorous commentary.

here he is, the april fool

I AM HOLDING A LOVELY TRANS FLAG AND DECLARING THUS: HOORAY FOR MY NICE TRANS FRIENDS!!

A viral dog rescue from 2016 is now immortalized with a statue in Kazakhstan. When a dog fell into the Sayran reservoir, bystanders formed a human chain to pull him to safety. The statue is a reminder of the value of unity, solidarity and collective action. 14/10 for all

The images you shared are a great example. In Japanese, I see 鞭, then ‼︎‼︎, and then follow the line of sight down Luffy's leg to the snap of the second ‼︎‼︎. In English I read "whip" left-to-right and then have to reverse directions to follow the kick.

There was an article going around a few months ago with examples of manga art where the top-to-bottom Japanese text led the eye through the action in a more dramatic way than the English left-to-right. Does this sound familiar?

Archaeological Dig Uncovers Ancient Race Of Skeleton People

Archaeological Dig Uncovers Ancient Race Of Skeleton People theonion.com/archaeological-dig-uncov...

Maya's Relocation Fund 2 by lukegearing and 11 others Maya's Relocation Fund 2: up to 12 items starting at $10.00

Got a game (my best game??) in this bundle to help one of my great over/under friends! Come for the "giving money to cool person," stay for the "asynchronous journaling game about a coven of witches stuck in a Severance type situation" and also a bunch of other great games.

In a not too distant future, I hope!

Idiot control now!

Wow wow!

A shih tzu mix with overgrown facial hair. He is standing next to a daffodil. Grizzly Bear is 14, so you have to be nice to him.

Old Man Grizzly Bear will get an extra treat tonight. Little gremlin solidarity.