They do! But only if you have hypermobility. Human bodies are weird ass places

I cannot lie, I would have been there if it had just been the intro & it did not disappoint: “Michael,” “Peter,” “Aubrey?” (“Janet,” “Dr Scott!” “Rocky?”)

There is no continuum of suffering, dear one. It needs not be measured to be valid or need help ♥️
(Also, as someone with comically high arches, may I suggest insoles and fascia stretches? They won’t fix everything, but they may offer some relief)

Then Hareton Splimby bursts through the A1 canvas print of Loss in Harrison’s mum’s freezing garage covered in Vaseline & clingfilm I think,& that’s when you realise all memes are one at the point of cultural singularity where metaphor breaks down, simile has no comparative point & this binary is it

The bad thing about the weather being good enough to dry my clothes outside is that when I’m sitting indoors every so often I’ll catch movement out of the corner of my eye, startle, then realise it’s just my pants billowing in the wind of Storm Dave

Highlights of this episode include:
- Aubrey reading the word ‘cove’
- The return of friend of the show, Jeremy Paxman!
- A delightful mention of association football
- ‘The James Corden pass’

Unfortunately the rest is grim, with special mention to Russell’s timeless prose

(John Cage, call me)

I mean, if Millsy got sacked for being a gak fiend he should go down in medical textbooks as the first cokehead to be made even duller by drugs.
I’m just sorry he didn’t get sacked for being what he is, a boring ass who had to be paired with Rylan for Eurovision so it wasn’t like hearing paint dry

Also remind me I need to get 2 spare M8 fully threaded 60mm cap head bolts with washers and some dense 4mm rubber sheet next time I’m at B&Q

today in the adventures of your middle aged dad: I stripped back, lubricated and balanced the rear roller of my walking pad, levelled it then ran a speed test on it. Now I’m having a nice cup of tea.
I am so proud of you all, kids. Now help me put away my spirit level, hex key set & 3 in 1 oil

My inner Aubrey and Michael are screaming rn

Even better, he’s standing in Coal Drops Yard, which is essentially a millennial shopping centre. It’s a retail space. Are you genuinely standing there & saying with your whole chest “this shopping area is the architectural equivalent of a loaf of artisanal sourdough”

In what I can only describe as the height of umc wangdangery, I just heard Dr Chris VanShowmethemoney utter the sentence “the link between ultra processed food and ultra processed architecture,”
…
…
BETWEEN WHAT AND WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU CHATTING ABOUT YOU BLOVIATING BUNCH OF KALE?

I’ve taken eight courses of antibiotics is as many weeks, & been taking a huge dose of ibuprofen to manage a rotten wisdom tooth that was infecting the tooth next to it & pressing on my oral nerve with a pointy root. My kidneys are probably more grateful than me it’s been extracted & I’m recovering

I have a very mild case of hyperkalemia (reference high is 5.3mmol/l, my test returned 5.5mmol/l) But I didn’t know this when the message came, so of course I went to pieces. It could be explained if my dental records were available to my GP, which of course they’re not

meanwhile, inside my brain: FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK AM I LIGHT HEADED OR AM I PANICKING IS THAT MY CHEST OH GOD IMMA DIE IM DYING FUCKFUCKFUCK AHAHAHGSGAFSGHAAA

Oh, how I love getting a message from my GP saying I need an urgent blood test that ends with the sentence: “Please seek urgent medical assistance 111/999/A&E if you have symptoms of chest pains, palpitations or light-headedness.”

That just dissolved three of my five stress induced muscular knots

Just going to add, Jonathan Ross got off wayyyy too lightly over Sachsgate. R***** B**** is a nasty, abusive slime ball, but Wossy wriggled out of the consequences of his part in it like a greasy little sh*t stain

They are truly a fitting choice for that- I own a pair of Silverlakes which I got myself when I had a major birthday. I can’t walk in them over long distances, so I wear them to work at my desk. Emails are more fun in six inch inverted heel platform boots with gold lining

To be fair, Fluevogs are an excellent use of wealth

Diane Purkiss’ excellent ‘Troublesome Things’ will knock any Victorian fairy bullshite out of your head. Fairies were f’king terrifying, and they definitely were Not Nice.

Michael Hobbes saying ‘Wigan’ is my new message alert tone

I mean I want to think not, but knowing the pace of change in Canterbury…yes, probably

Is it weird that when they showed the registry I felt myself instinctively reaching for my ID, as if some underpaid administrator was eyeballing me with undercaffeinated contempt?

There’s Elliot, wow Darwin still looks rank, oh look, the registry!

Lovely to see my alma mater in the news because…of an outbreak of meningitis B!Fantastic work lads, makes a nice change from hearing you’re going massively broke. Up the whatever our teams were called I never actually knew! UKC PRIDE!

I mean, I want to say I’m surprised but…(& hard agree, he has depth & range, & I’m pleased he won, but damn if it wasn’t for having to do twice the work of a mediocre white bloke)

(tbh tho, if I was on the Oscars committee MBJ would have won for “Hello Auntie,” alone)

Today in dialectical theory:
- You can be overjoyed Michael B. Jordan won the Oscar
And also
- Delighted Timothee Chalamet lost, bcse he’s a little scrote