i went to a CODA meeting today & it was nothing like it was in rehab.

may 5th, 2025 —
186.5 lbs

alright update: his temp is at 95 now & im in nurse killa mode. 🩺

if you believe the moon landing was fake, if you think aliens aren’t real, if you think the earth is flat, then DONT interact with me!

if you are seriously dense enough to think either any of those things, i dont want your opinions on anything!

also, shaving doesnt make your hair grow in thicker!

how the fuck…? seriously that doesn’t make any sense?!

my BF’s temperature was just 94.3 when we checked it but he said he’s feels super hot. he is visually sweaty & clammy.

everything online says hypothermia but there has to be something else going on…

seriously what the actual fuck?!

someone would loves me would know to make a habit of messaging me. they’d understand my brain likes routine & if they become part of my routine, they become part of my life… i wish people understood how i get lost in my own mind & what to do next while trying to just stay alive.

it feels like all i do is care for other people or put them first… then when im struggling & ask for help… they either aren’t there for me or half ass it…

maybe im just meant to be alone (even in a room full of people i love) & screaming into the nothingness (yet also everythingness) that is the internet…

im such a pessimistic, negative & depressing person. it makes sense why i can’t keep people in my life. i judge people around me by their actions & see what others are able to do that im not. maybe it’s because im autistic, but i’ve always felt like i didnt fit in. like i knew something others dont.

i gained 12+ lbs in the past month or two… i stopped weighing myself everyday for a while & now im back at it again… woops 🤷🏻‍♀️

april 18th, 2025 —
187.3 lbs

i can tell i gained weight just by my face shape… my double chin is back…

im proud of him for losing weight but im also jealous… only a crazy bitch would be jealous of her own BF… sometimes i feel like i dont deserve to be his GF… or his future wife… im sensitive, traumatized, fat & ugly… i really don’t know what he sees in me… i wish i was skinnier & prettier…….

i only had a carmel matcha today & i realized it’s midnight so i went to taco bell to get a quesadilla.

as i was eating, my BF got out of the shower & asked if i could switch the bluetooth scale over to his account.

when he came back in the room he told me how much he weighed… i stopped eating…

i havent applied anywhere yet…. & i dont have the motivation. honestly, im scared of ending up in a job i hate, quitting & losing unemployment altogether.

im just tired… i wish i could be a home maker & a mom… but i have fertility issues & my love doesnt make enough to support us fully yet.

3/3 📝

i gave myself a few days to be depressed & bed rot… & spend time in the sun when i had the energy … then went to the unemployment office on friday. the people were kind, which helped more than i expected—but it still felt weird being there. at least they didn’t make me feel like a burden.

2/3 📝

life update —

i was working 4 - 6 days a week at a cafe, as a baker & bartisa. a month ago they cut my hours down to 2 days a week & blamed the “slow season” so i waited it out, hoping it’d pass.

last tuesday, i was told me they didnt need BOTH my positions anymore & was being let go.

1/3 📝

fuzzy black & white tv static with horizontal lines — it gives the feeling of dissociation or body parts falling asleep

☆ hi im 𝙺𝙸𝙻𝙻𝙰 [key-la]
☆ i was born in 1997
☆ they/it [nonbinary]
☆ demisexual [in love]
☆ neurodivergent
☆ disabled & traumatized
☆ 21+ [i will block you]

this is a 𝚅𝙴𝙽𝚃 account ⚠️
[block ➜ dont report]

breakfast — food on a paper plate with sunshine coming in the window. slices of banana, peanut butter, a small spoon in the peanut butter, cinnamon swirl bagel with cream cheese, a blueberry muffin & two aquafina water bottles, one of almost finished.

my mental health is getting worse but at least i ate breakfast today —

940+ kcals
🥯🍌🫐💧

so… got my hair done today… to help me feel pretty & do some self care… after i left the salon i cried for most of the night because i spent way too much for hair im not even sure i like anymore… i hate being mentally unstable… i’d rather be dead than deal with the up & down… again & again…….

i haven’t eaten in 2 days but atleast i have my chaos snack dinner.

SpongeBob mac & cheese with some extra plant based cheese, liquid iv, 1/2 an evening bagel, 1/2 a cinnamon swirl bagel with nacho doritos & some taco bell hot sauce.

why would i have a meal when you can have multiple snacks?

i’m the kind of tired that sleep doesn’t fix. it’s in my bones, my head, my heart. on top of that, i constantly feel like i’m not doing enough with my life — like i’m stuck in this endless cycle of exhaustion & self-doubt. no matter how much i do, it never feels like it’s enough.

my toxic ex conditioned me to wake up when he did, stay up until he was ready for bed & made me feel guilty if i didnt. even tho my love isn’t like that, making myself stay up late or sacrificing sleep feels tied to the control my ex had over my time. it’s hard to separate the two.

i want to spend as much time with him as possible, but i feel let down when he sleeps in or falls asleep early. i want him to rest & listen to his body, but it’s hard not to feel so lonely—even when he’s sleeping right next to me.

my love works 6 days a week & gets home between 11pm-2am, so i stay up waiting for him most nights. but i’ve realized i’m losing more sleep than him. he gets to sleep in & go to bed early, while i stay up late & wake up early. i want to rest, but i also want to spend as much time with him as i can.

i wake up every day at 6:00 or 6:20 like clockwork to use the bathroom. i think it might be pelvic floor dysfunction. i cant sleep in, my hips & body hurt if i stay in bed too long. even when im depressed, im awake before 9:30. i wish i could just rest instead of waking up manic, depressed, or numb.

i paid for dinner & covered more than 3/4 of the dispensary bill :/ like, why couldn’t he just listen to the song? i even told him i was putting it on… it’s not like i ask for much, but moments like this make me feel like what i like or care about doesn’t matter…

it’s hard cuz i think he might be neurodivergent — he didn’t mean to interrupt but in the moment he was excited & happy & it just hurt to be dismissed. i tried singing along to get him to listen, but he kept talking. we were vibing & i ruined it by taking it personally. i wish i’d handled it better.