I have reached that level of I don’t give a fuck because I’m using a cottage cheese container as a cup

“There’s the pulp fiction one, you know the burger one, the Afro guy, great guy by the way, in the suit”

Know what should be deported? My next door neighbor’s wind chimes.

the boys are back in town and you can tell bc all the cupboard doors have been left open

Doctors don't follow people around and hit them with a stick when they're dumb anymore, and I think it's sad.

I think this is from Steppenwolfe, right?

*me and Beethoven sitting across from one another at a wooden table*

-Beethoven: What? (in German)
-me: What?
-Beethoven: Huh? (in German)
-me: What?

I’ve had a long day at work, I just want to kick back and have imaginary arguments in my head

I’m tired of being a paragon of virtue, time to be a paragon of debauchery instead

The cough drops make me sneeze. What are we trying to accomplish here?

All magic 8 balls tell the truth eventually

Being an account that people enjoy following sounds exhausting.

shortly after my glass is full, it’s empty. idk what all this half stuff is about.

I want people to doubt my sanity in the funniest way possible so I just keep posting on bsky

@vermontchicken.bsky.social thank you for being a demonstrably real human being who often validates my attempts to be funny on the internet. Bless you

Staying way ahead of my kids and their generation’s youth lingo by using words like youth and lingo

You know when you call me a butthole you’re comparing me to the part where the poop comes out and that hurts my feelings

is murder lasagna anything?

I'm making party wings, which means this is officially an apocalypse party.

Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever a spider can [gets trapped forever in a sink]

Developing a purr box would fix me

Astronauts are a superstitious bunch. For instance, they consider their spaceship’s toilet not working on a 10 day space flight to be a bad omen

Ian sitting at a table looking at a laptop. He is labeled "Me" and the laptop screen is labeled "My dogshit posts"

Here's how it works

party up front, dirge in the rear

one thing leads to another implies i have things

I used to think Columbo was a genius. Turns out he just had access to the script

Trump inadvertently ushers in a new boom period for renewable energy, aka anyone aligning themselves with him ends up biting it

I wouldn’t say my wife’s new diet is unsustainable, but she’s just told me that for lunch she can have a carrot and a deep breath