(also, apparently the lady I yelled at back in September was hounding more than one person—including him—over politics on and off, and left the parish + took her pledge money elsewhere

I learned from a different parishioner that she was going through a weird funk and was lashing out a lot)

I recalled how Ukraine stopped being mentioned around the same time and it made sense

plus there are genocides going on in multiple countries aside from P@l3$t!n3 that get overshadowed easily, so I understand the logic

additionally, my fears surrounding the Prayers of the People + P@l3$t!n3 were pretty much dispelled beforehand

a parishioner who’s a close friend of his knew the whole reason for the change was theological, and not showing favoritism for one suffering people over another

money wasn’t involved

he gave me pointers that I was really appreciative of, including looking into spiritual direction

anger over politics is something I’ve carried around with me for a pretty long time, and my personal background of surviving abuse made me extra self-conscious of it

so I’m glad I got his guidance

my rector’s last Mass was today I’ve been an emotional wreck on and off

we both cried when we got our final hug and goodbye

I’m still processing everything emotionally, but more than anything I’m glad got to talk to him about my mental health + politics one more time before he left

thankfully my supervisor knows my situation and is allowing to WFH

I just can’t chance her pouncing on me again and triggering an emotional flashback in public

I’m too vulnerable right now

really love that my workplace put through a “no WFH during a week where there’s a vacation day” on the very month where my mother seems to be back on her bullshit

There is no magic in "processing" trauma, & processing isn't the key to recovery for every survivor. Many have this fantasy that we all need to psychologically return to the "scene of the crime" to move on, but that's simply not true for everyone-- & it keeps us looking backward.

The last thing a survivor struggling w/ trauma responses needs is a lecture on how nonsensical or self sabotaging their trauma responses are. We don't experience them because we think they're awesome & a good idea. They happen TO us.

Trauma responses are not "choices."

on top of this, I’ll need to profusely apologize and reassure my siblings that no, I do care about them and that whatever Mom tells them about me is bullshit

I know they don’t believe her by default but I need that assurance

I’m so irritated because my brother could very well be having a serious medical issue, but the way my mother is behaving is overtaking it

vertigo is not a joke and I really hope it isn’t indicative of something worse than run-of-the-mill allergies

straight up making this an excuse to hurt me

I got ripped into, told “I hope you never need anyone in this family if you’re sick, scared and alone” and interrogated over not looking at my texts

now I’m just coming down from being a sobbing wreck and will need to work remotely because I’m too emotionally fragile to work on-site

mind you, I only learned about this second-hand through my mother, who is now under the impression that I don’t care about him

I was so hyperfocused last night on trying to help two mutuals who are staring down eviction that I didn’t check my texts (and I’ve muted her’s for obvious reasons)

my brother tried to text me around 11pm two nights ago; I apologize and ask if he needs help

he said it’s okay and that he’s staying at our parents because he felt sick

okay! I figured things were fine

turns out he’s been having vertigo and eczema flare-ups and needed to be admitted into the ER

really love that the *one* night I’m not hypervigilant and checking my text app button…resulted in me getting bitched out by my mother for not checking my texts 🫠

a second layer to this is what a lot of autistic/ADHD/ND people get accustomed to: being the butt of everyone’s joke

even ppl who claim to care about you will mock or gossip either to your face or behind your back. often both

it’s just fucking depressing when it’s your own family doing it

now dgmw, ball-busting is a big thing in my family. it’s usually not super egregious like that was

but when you’re the scapegoat child with basic pattern recognition, you tend to notice a recurring theme in the jabs directed at you

and you can’t help but tuck them away in the back of your head

I’ve been sitting through years’ worth of constant digs at me dressed up as “jokes,” both intentional and unintentional, like a death by a thousand cuts

my self-worth wasn’t always great but that shit definitely never helped. like somehow my feelings matter less if it’s for the sake of getting yuks

ngl it still really hurts to remember that he said that about me! even though he apologized later and swore he didn’t mean it to sound hurtful

but it’s been years of these kinds of comments and “jokes.” and the don’t exactly help me feel properly loved, respected or appreciated

it’s worn on me

to give a rough idea: since my nephew was born, my mother regularly brings up what a difficult and awfully behaved child I was (poor emotional regulation and meltdowns? in MY autistic child?)

Dad then commented how most ppl don’t make the first pancake very well…while I was sitting right there 🫠

ngl, it never fails to floor me how starkly different an experience it is to spend Easter Mass at my LGBTQ+ affirming church, vs. Easter weekend with my family

I feel like I’m wanted and valued there, and don’t feel any need to hide who I am for the comfort of emotionally immature, bigoted adults

got back home yesterday night and I felt so spent

at least I had today off to bounce back and recover from the bullshit on Saturday that left me a fucking wreck all night

Sustainable healing from CPTSD requires us to be present & it requires us to be self compassionate-- to show up, have our own back, & give ourselves the benefit of the doubt.

That sh*t's not supposed to be "easy." It takes practice-- & willingness to suck at it until we don't.

CPTSD & DID resist simple explanations of "how you're feeling" or "how you're doing." You can be struggling in some ways, & making progress in others.

This sh*t is layered-- which is why it can be real hard for people who haven't gone through it to understand or empathize w/ it.

feeling somewhat better (only because my mother’s in a good mood rn)

hopefully that sustains me until I leave from Easter dinner tonight

for now I’m just glad I have my dog because he’s my only real source of comfort here

I always feel Iike I’m on the periphery and am barely tolerated (just as I barely tolerate her)

him and the other dogs actually make me feel wanted here outside of maintaining this disordered normalcy

my dog is literally the only reason I bother coming around

I wish he wasn’t so attached to my parents and their dogs, and that I could afford to have him live with me

his passing will be the only thing that’ll give me the go-ahead to go fully NC

I’m so sick of her and how she treats me

it fills me with burning rage, anger, and nausea how much she and her lack of accountability sickens me

how much all of us enable her bullshit because we’re conditioned to

I want her pain and abuse to stop

also I’m apparently crazy and social media addicted now b/c I know what a tradwife is? because I haven’t been living under a rock during this cursed decade of fascist cultural/political resurgence?

sick to death how quickly I’m villainized by her

I can’t stress enough how badly I want to

the emotionally abusive mother torment nexus has been beating my ass all day today

I feel myself coming apart at the seams from the constant baiting and characterization of me as some shrill liberal harpy who (apparently) hates Christians and traditional families

I’m barely keeping it together