there are some mornings i wake up and i don’t even feel like breakdancing. agh sorry i don’t mean to make things so heavy

My uber driver won’t stop circling around his ex girlfriends place

the more i read this the worse it gets. waited until the very last sentence to say that trump did something wrong. you cant be blamed for skimming this response and thinking it isnt falling pathetically in line with trump. because it basically is.

My favorite sex position is 11 that’s when you lie naked on the bed next to her and you both look at the ceiling quietly

this will be my first tweet that goes viral here

becoming fully fluent in spanish through the power of positive thinking

“staying abreast” is how perverts keep up with the news

[talking to the bozo mom boyfriend who just fumbled my mom] congrats loser 😤👎👎😤 you just lost out ✌🏼 on an amazing stepson 🕺🏽💃🏽💅🏼💅🏼

If you’re in the bathroom to poop feel free to go ahead and pee as well. no harm no foul 👍🏼.

[on the phone while holding my baby over the balcony like Michael Jackson] no I’m not doing anything right now

NY Times Doesn’t Want You to See Mangione’s Face Management directs staff to “dial back” Luigi Mangione headshots

Yesterday the New York Times instructed staff to avoid publishing photos of Luigi Mangione's face, internal company messages leaked to me reveal.

"The news value and public service of showing his face is diminishing," Times management told staff.
www.kenklippenstein.com/p/ny-times-d...

If I were a whale and one of my whale friends was covered in barnacles I would assume he was seriously depressed

[inside of Dillard’s for the first time] what God would allow this

bro. let me milk you

My name’s Bond. Cornelius Jackson Bond IV Jr.

Going to the masquerade ball and making out with my mom immediately by accident

Fuck my stupid ass landlord he wants to change my name to Gavin but that isn’t my vibe!

you would be an amazing mother methinks

Everyone walking on their damn phone…would be a shame if I were to airdrop them a PDF of Atomic Habits……. 😈

Men’s rights activist who thinks women have it too good cause they get to free bleed at work

Cristian standing in stairwell…

never stop exploring……

Doing it in the Disney World Orlando underground tunnels is the ultimate sexual conquest for any respectable Disney Adult

yeah. my dad’s girlfriends place… 😔😔

So proud of my team at the Consent Factory for manufacturing over 100 million consent units over this calendar year! No one else I’d rather be putting out these fires with ❤️

14 hours no Haha reacts to my Bachelor Party Groupchat joke that we hold the bachelor party in “Saudi Arabia” cause “it’s easier for guys to do their ‘thang’ there.” 😔 😔 but history will vindicate me 😄😄

Bro your facility is entirely up to code! 😁 Amazing to see the crazy fuck i grew up with now impeccably keeping his structural, fire safety, and electric systems in line with the legal standard! 🔥🔥

the left needs their own ronald reagan george bush richard nixon

bro if they don’t want you to drink drain cleaner then why did they give it that irresistible smell 😫😫

enjoying a sandwich is actually a trauma response 👍 so next time you enjoy one maybe be real with yourself 😊

social media has made life quite……….different. but i’m unable to articulate how at this time..