I wasn’t going to drink tonight, but then I watched the news.

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You're beautiful, it's true
I saw your face in a crowded place
And I don't know what to do
'Cause I'll never be with you

~James Blunt

I’d love to fuck you but you’re with that lucky cunt!

~James Blunter

I've just received my copy of The Catholic Times. It's got a pullout section on recommended contraception practices.

The first rule of Innuendo Club is you always enter Innuendo Club through the back doors.

"Some of them aren't cunts", was the best I could come up with when asked to say something positive about colleagues in yesterday’s team meeting.

We should collect all the extraneous esses used at the end of Tesco in Britain and send them to the USA to be used at the end of math.

“You do realise they're everywhere, poisoning our way of life with their strange ways and beliefs.”

"Immigrants?"

“No, Daily Mail readers.”

Shutting the fuck up is a very underrated pastime. More people should try it.

It was an acrimonious split between Gwen Stefani and her band. No doubt they don’t speak anymore.

My fusilli addiction is spiralling out of control.

[OPTICIANS]

"And the bottom line please?"

"E-I-E-I-Oh very funny.”

"Sorry, Mr McDonald, I just couldn't resist. How are your cows?"

"Good morning, World Wrestling Entertainment. Can you hold?"

“Alexa, is it true that most households are spied upon?”

I'm never drinking Welsh beer again. I kept wanting a leek during the night.

If the answer is Reform, surely the question is: how would you vote to fuck up the country even more?

Those midlife crisis men who clog up the roads on their bicycles piss me off. I didn’t buy a Porsche convertible to be stuck behind those sad wankers.

I bought a Bëëstë Bøïz wardrobe from Ikea and a bit was missing. They didn't believe me, but I successfully fought for my right to part E.

My body's a temple. Crumbling and abandoned by worshippers years ago.

When you're determined to let the world know you're a cock.

Nice to see thou, to see thou nice! - Bruce Forsooth.

Sorry I asked whether your toddler's first words were ‘phone home’.

A friend told me sex is better after a bit of coke. It just made me burp a lot.

How do I know who robbed the Heinz factory? I have my sauces.

Peter Pan gags never get old.

When Mick Jagger was 74 he became a father again for the eighth time. I suspect he's been lying about the no satisfaction thing.

The Streets of Philadelphia is Bruce Springsteen's cheesiest song.

There are lovely people, arseholes and everything in between amongst every ethnic group, religion and nationality. If you believe you’re better because of your ethnic group, religion or nationality, you’re definitely in the arsehole end of that spectrum.

I'm in a pub called 'The Flock of Sheep'. It has a lot of bars.

“Don’t worry, Dave, the ambulance will be here soon.”

Sorry I winced when you showed me a pic of your new baby.