"Man it's crazy we couldn't tell back in the day that the MythBusters hated each other" I say as a season one episode cuts right before Jamie punches Adam in the heart

Born too late to explore the seas, born too early to explore space. Born just in time to connect Hadestown to Call of Duty

I made this. And I think I may have been the first person ever to connect these two things. And I'm really proud of that. This meme is the closest I'll ever get to being the first human to walk on the moon.

And maybe this isn't actually funny but I think you should like and share it anyway.

Pov you're on a date with me: *silently I read my own tweets to myself only interrupting occasionally to say to myself "haha, good one"*

As a kid who used to watch CSI, I always thought Law and Order was the "serious one". Now that I've watched it i cant believe how wrong I was

Many Melburnians have four colour-sensing cone cell types in their eyes (unlike most mammals' two or tree), giving them vision into the UV range, and (presumably) a much richer experience of colour. Melburnian fashion that appears dull blacks to us likely appear resplendent to other Melburnians.

Getting one of those floor mats with buttons to teach my cat to speak but all the buttons say 'I'm a stinky little baby'

In a better place (Melbourne)

Closer to Melbourne

For sale:

Old man shoes.
Worn heaps.

Me after being called out to my fifth "trolley problem" incident in two weeks: Who keeps DOING this???

“I asked chatgpt”

well I asked the sage and mighty oracle and she said the only way to prevent the village crops from failing is to drag you around by the ankles, behind a horse-drawn chariot, for seven days and seven nights

They should make bigger seats in movie theatres especially for two children in a trenchcoat trying to get into r rated films

This joke might not work but I literally sat bolt upright while falling asleep thinking of it and I needed to write it

My brain when I need to plan around a deadline:

If I could cast spells you fuckers would be so fucked

"imagine if we hadn't done it first!"

Don't mind me, just reminiscing about the smell I associate with Windows 7

Me in the Pokemon world: I try to eat an ice cream but it's the ice cream Pokemon. I try to take out the trash but it's the trash Pokemon. I try to call for help but the phone is Pokemon. I try to escape on a plane but all the planes are bird Pokemon. I try to scream but my voice is also a Pokemon.

Catch me being a nuisance in public while wearing merch for things I hate

A curse on both your houses? Brother if I had *one* house to curse it would be a blessing

The dad for coraline looking tired at a computer 💻

Pov: you work across from the guy at the CIA who signed up thinking he was gonna be Jason Bourne but instead he's been on "black out the president's name" duty for the last year

We should kiss

even with a warning of this being rightwing pop punk i don’t think i was anywhere near ready for how BAD this is

"I'm from Sol-3"
"Is that the-"
"Yeah it's the Stink Planet"

All of humanity is shattered to learn no other planet smells like this and that we're the only species who can't expand to double their size when threatened

Aliens arriving on earth and ask us what our planets "deal" is. Are we an ice planet? A desert planet? We insist that earth has many diverse biomes. They take off their helmets and instantly learn our entire planet stinks like shit

At both Silent Hill and Iron Lung the people sitting next to me in the theater were vaping, and this is a sign to me that gamers have gotten too comfortable in society

Me if I attended Shiz: SAY IT NORMAL. SAY NORMAL WORDS.