I’m totally comfortable in my own skin knowing that I will scream louder than a five year old girl when confronted by a snake. My fight or flight response doesn’t care.

At night I like to turn my air condition down to "comfortable enough for penguins to habitat in your home" temperature.

If you don’t stick your tongue out while eating French Style green beans then how will you know if they’re a good kisser?

I will never comprehend how storm chasers get approved for automobile insurance.

If stuffing my face with food on my lunch is considered a workout then yes, yes I workout on my lunch break.

Anyone know if Jack and Diane are still doing best they can?

-Asking on behalf of a dude sucking down chili dogs behind the Taste Freeze

Sometimes you shoot your ass to your face and it tastes like your foot in the mouth.

Women: We’ve had to endure monthly periods, menstrual cramps, childbirth, and now menopause. What about you?

Men: I can sign my name in cursive when I pee.

We’re not the same.

The toilet is broken on the Orion Spacecraft.

I could not think of a single thing that would want me want to turn around and go back to earth faster than this.

This is Level 5 let’s go back home for me.

It’s crazy that you can see so many craters on the moon that are visible, but the only ones you can see on earth are from that one geek who sat behind you in science class back in high school days.

When Artemis II swings around the dark side of the moon and it doesn’t say “Pink Floyd was here” I’m going to be very disappointed.

Turns on shower, looks at the shower head….

And that’s how the invention of a space rocket engine was created.

It’s true, look that up.

When was the last time you asked someone what time it was?

Been a while, hasn’t it?

I feel bad for the astronauts, if someone farts there’s no rolling down the window to get some fresh air. You just live in the funk.

Did the astronauts have to wait in the TSA line to board their flight like the rest of us have to?

Gen X: We know what a clothes line and clothespins are, because the generation before us is all they had to dry out washed clothes.

I like my woman like I like my toilet paper. Nice and soft to the touch and can put up with my shit.

Before cellphones there was a time you’d drop everything and sprint to the ringing landline phone to catch a phone call. Speed records were broken running to the ringing phone.

Have you seen the price of gasoline these days? Skip the gas station and head to Taco Bell. You can get gas for .99¢.

Tequila…for when you want to do some stupid shit two hours later.

Welcome to your 50’s. You now have an acetaminophin dealer because your back hurts from doing yard work.

Ok, fine, it’s a pharmacy, but still…..

Welcome to your 50’s. You now have an acetaminophin dealer because your back hurts from doing yard work.

Ok, fine, it’s a pharmacy, but still…..

Tequila…for when you want to do some stupid shit two hours later.

Call me crazy, but if a cooking show is played as a rerun on Food Network shouldn’t it be called leftovers?

It’s 2026. Asking someone how they’re doing may take a while to answer.

Have you seen the price of gasoline these days? Skip the gas station and head to Taco Bell. You can get gas for .99¢.

Kicking the public restroom toilet to flush it has my Irish dancing skills on point.

🤣🤣🤣

If the recipe online doesn’t come with a picture I’m not making it. How am I suppose to know if it came out properly?

Screw you peanut butter and jelly sandwich recipe. No picture, I’m out.

I've made the fatal mistake of creating a bed too comfortable to ever want to leave