Parents, are you using the NuggetHauler? The JoggyBoy? The Diaper Goblin? CrackAttack Turbos?!!!

My latest piece covers some very important baby-gear trends.

Let Us Walk You Through Our Very Reasonable Baby Registry Thank you so much for helping us welcome our new baby into the world. We’ve done a thesis amount of research as first-time parents, so here’s an ov...

"We will only be giving our newborn pediatrician-approved bottles from Dr. Sucks. Dr. Sucks has been around since 1902 and knows sucking better than anyone. They also make a pacifier we approve of called the NubbaDubDub, and a baby-gas-relief contraption called the RootieTootToot."

The World Is Burning, But Want to Meet Up for Thirty-Four-Dollar Cocktails? Want to get drinks next week? I know everything’s kind of crazy right now, so no pressure. There’s a cool new bar I read about—fine, saw a TikTok f...

"The cocktail menu looks pretty spectacular too. Lots of drinks with artisanal ice cubes, questionably sourced rim accoutrement, and six-to-twelve ingredients never before seen in libations, all served in kitschy glassware shaped like 'mini bird baths.'"

The World Is Burning, But Want to Meet Up for Thirty-Four-Dollar Cocktails? Want to get drinks next week? I know everything’s kind of crazy right now, so no pressure. There’s a cool new bar I read about—fine, saw a TikTok f...

"Lots of drinks with artisanal ice cubes, questionably sourced rim accoutrement, and six-to-twelve ingredients never before seen in libations, all served in kitschy glassware shaped like 'mini bird baths.'"

The World Is Burning, But Want to Meet Up for Thirty-Four-Dollar Cocktails? Want to get drinks next week? I know everything’s kind of crazy right now, so no pressure. There’s a cool new bar I read about—fine, saw a TikTok f...

"The Gilded Beak, have you heard of it? 'Urban aviary meets al fresco pretension,' the website says."

The World Is Burning, But Want to Meet Up for Thirty-Four-Dollar Cocktails? Want to get drinks next week? I know everything’s kind of crazy right now, so no pressure. There’s a cool new bar I read about—fine, saw a TikTok f...

"They also have a twenty-nine-dollar Macaw-garita. I know you love tequila. And for five dollars more, they’ll even add it in."

FREE-RANGE VIBES

“Nothing makes me want to drink a fancy aesthetic cocktail more than what’s happening right now.”

The World Is Burning, But Want to Meet Up for Thirty-Four-Dollar Cocktails? Want to get drinks next week? I know everything’s kind of crazy right now, so no pressure. There’s a cool new bar I read about—fine, saw a TikTok f...

"The cocktail menu looks pretty spectacular too. Lots of drinks with artisanal ice cubes, questionably sourced rim accoutrement, and six-to-twelve ingredients never before seen in libations, all served in kitschy glassware shaped like 'mini bird baths.'"

The World Is Burning, But Want to Meet Up for Thirty-Four-Dollar Cocktails? Want to get drinks next week? I know everything’s kind of crazy right now, so no pressure. There’s a cool new bar I read about—fine, saw a TikTok f...

For @mcsweeneys.net, I wrote about That Cool New Instagrammable Bar in Your City that serves fun rooftop cocktails for $34 + tax, tip & a vibe fee—but it’s totally worth it to temporarily avoid The Horrors!!

The World Is Burning, But Want to Meet Up for Thirty-Four-Dollar Cocktails? Want to get drinks next week? I know everything’s kind of crazy right now, so no pressure. There’s a cool new bar I read about—fine, saw a TikTok f...

"I heard the bar doesn’t call them 'bartenders' but 'feral mix masters,' and according to several reviews, they have 'major attitude problems.'"

With Trump Mobile, you get:
- unlimited access to war plan group chats
- nationwide coverage of conspiracy theories
- the 5G network (gaslighting, greed, gullibility, guns & grifting)

Finding Love After Losing My Mom I built a career off my single-girl hot takes. But after a devastating loss, I decided to shift how I dated.

“Her presence was one of the safest and most enchanting places you could ever visit on earth. She was my first call, my travel partner, and my existential compass. I never had to enter or exit her borders, because I was her world, and she was mine.”

Thinking of her today & every single day. ❤️

We’re Getting Divorced. Please Like and Share This Post With a heavy heart, I must announce something profoundly personal and painfully private to my 900,000 followers. Over the past few weeks, many of y...

I know what you’re thinking: “You guys seemed so happy.” Well, that’s because I Facetune smiles on John’s face.

Wrote this 8 years ago, still slaps

And God Created Millennial Earth THE BEGINNING (of the end) GENESI$ 1 1 In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. #CreationGoals #EarthIsBae 2 Now the earth was fo...

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. #CreationGoals #EarthIsBae

Now the earth was formless and basic, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was lowkey hovering over the waters.

And God said, “Let there be light,” and it was lit AF.

Excerpts from a Red-Hot Right-Wing Romance Novel “The moment I saw him charging the steps on January 6, I knew I wanted to rip off his Viking helmet and find out how quickly he could send my body ...

“For our first date, he told me I could pick the spot—anywhere my heart desired, as long as it was a business that had dismantled its DEI policies.”

The White House or The White Lotus? 1. White people achieve new levels of whiteness via their most privileged impulses. 2. The stars of the show are a group of entitled and insensitiv...

7. We will witness an onslaught of clumsy international affairs.

8. There will be crimes in broad daylight, of course.

9. There will be fascinating, perplexing, and disturbing monologues by men.

This is absolutely perfect. No notes.

Recession indicator: Season 4 of The White Lotus will take place at the Four Seasons Total Landscaping

Made a protest sign to go along with my latest McSweeney’s piece.

- One is an HBO Original
- The other, a USA unoriginal.

My latest @mcsweeneys.net piece asks the very important question: THE WHITE HOUSE or THE WHITE LOTUS

Another @omgskr.bsky.social banger.

The White House or The White Lotus? 1. White people achieve new levels of whiteness via their most privileged impulses. 2. The stars of the show are a group of entitled and insensitiv...

"Class, wealth, and power will be constantly explored in a way that seems humorous at first but is ultimately dispiriting and devastating."

Damn, boy, are you a tariff because I don’t want you anywhere near my goods

Excerpts from a Red-Hot Right-Wing Romance Novel “The moment I saw him charging the steps on January 6, I knew I wanted to rip off his Viking helmet and find out how quickly he could send my body ...

A right-wing romance novel??? In this economy???

My latest for @mcsweeneys.net might leave you more bothered than hot!

www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/exc...

“The next morning, over Signal, he texted me how much fun he had the night before: 👊 🇺🇸 🔥. It was then I knew: the two of us—and the seven other guys in the group chat—would live happily ever after.”

You must read this. 😹

The McSweeney’s banner should suffice Kathleen

That’s the joke honey