b*tch no one cares

my cat would rather die than not beat me down the stairs

Flirting meme now I gotta play dead

meme: the best way to call me is by text message

meme: cats living together. 4 cartoon squares showing cats getting along then "actually you know what"

total guessing game

There are 3 rules for living a fulfilling life.

I don’t know any of them.

𝘌𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘓𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘭𝘦 𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘚𝘩𝘦 𝘋𝘰𝘦𝘴 𝘐𝘴 𝘔𝘢𝘨𝘪𝘤 is my favorite song about the Salem Witch Trials.

Save time by filing everything under Miscellaneous.

I'm on my third midlife crisis, they certainly don't seem to get any easier.

If you can’t handle me at my worst (crying in the fetal position), you don’t deserve me at my best (eating pizza in the fetal position).

Bluesky is so much better than Twitter.

That's the post.

If it weren't for horrible drivers, my children wouldn't have such an extensive vocabulary.

It’s all good, except for the parts that are not all good.

Yeah, you’re hot. But not as hot as my compost pile

I’ve never been popular, so being hunted for sport would be pretty confusing for me.

I never fully grasp how many weirdos exist in the world until I open social media and it’s like a parade.

congrats!

Here’s a tip for drinking green tea in the morning… add 2 tsps of organically grown agave then throw it out & drink a cup of coffee

if u can't handle me at my squidward, you don't deserve me at my spongebob

(before the invention of sliced bread) damn these sandwiches thick as hell

*shakes my moneymaker*

*gets flooded with crypto spam*

Every time a university professor reposts one of my shitposts I add a college credit to my résumé full of lies

I just torched a building downtown and I'm afraid I'll do it again.

tuesday

meme: if january was an ice cream flavor. image showing a girls hand holding a cone full of slush

what does it taste like