can’t remember the last time I wanted to be dead this much.

watching the #antm Netflix thing.

WHAT in the fuck, is that coat. #wewereallrootingforyou

THIS JUST IN APPARENTLY SCREAM SEVEN?!?! shut up and take my money at this point im not even mad

Dad: you need to get a job and save money
Also Dad: don’t work more than ten hours a day it’s not worth it

SIR?! Sir. Siiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrr-

Nobody:
Fucking Nobody:
Me: *can only say John Adams like Jonathan Groff for the rest of her life*

Dad: I’m gonna be up early so..(if you hear shit it’s me)
Me: what can i make noise with RIGHT NOW
Dad: i mean if it’s the last thing* you ever do it might as we-
*Me: CACKLES

no because the rocket romano storyline is one of the best things to happen to television.

who the fucks idea was it for both Bert Kriescher and Tony Romo to have voices at the same fucking time for this fucking football game I just wanna talk to them I JUST WANNA TA-

being autistic - we don’t all come the way autistic Barbie is packaged - the smarter choice would have been to make just accessories and sell them to add to Barbies that already exist.

if Mattel wanted to make an autistic Barbie they should have just made the accessories to put on any Barbie because that’s how that works. #barbie

too many employees wanted actual rights and starbucks said “we don’t want to be everywhere because rebranding” and not “we fired everyone in a massive civil rights violation so there are barely workers left”

The EPSTEIN Files are a much quicker read than I expected.

me: i just need tortillas and Funyuns from the store
dad: soup, crackers, turkey, Swiss, bread, grapes, yogurt drink, Funyuns, tortillas, triscuit.
me, to me: holy shit dad called you out
also me: like it’s hard to call your predictable ass out
me: WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON

Dad, seeing at least the second Eagle slip: oh but they won’t change their cleats until at least three more players slip
THE NEXT FUCKING SHOT: the longer cleats on the sidelines

me, like Jim Hawkins: how does he bloody DO that?!?

“OH you know the dad / son we watched?? (COPS adjacent)
“Yahp.”
“They were driving through the Wisconsin streets”
“Did they say wher- it’s Milwaukee. Ten to one it’s Milwaukee.”
“It was Milwaukee.”
“That’s her! That’s my girl. She’s my favorite for a reason! #justwisconsinthings

Dad: Cindy Lou Who lives in Whoville..
Me: hahahahah yah.
Dad: and Horton Hears a Who…
Me, no idea where this is going: uh huh..
Dad: are they the same Who’s?
Me: OOHH! Yah. The Who’s live on a speck of dust; and Horton hears them floating around on it.
Dad: I can sleep at night again.
Me: 😂😂⚰️

hey hey djt
how many rooms did you gold today

hey hey puta naranja
nothing rhymes with orange

kkkkkkkkkkaroline
bah dah dah
your mouth never makes true words
they’re false fuck you get bent

hey this is a long way to say the secretary of war has a small dick and is trying to piss on everything

Trump administration uses taxpayer dollars to blame Democrats for government shutdown Federal employees across the government reported seeing similar messages. Experts say the messages may violate ethics laws meant to keep partisan politics out of day-to-day governing.

Federal employees across the government reported seeing similar messages. Experts say the messages may violate ethics laws meant to keep partisan politics out of day-to-day governing.

If you don’t want to be called a Nazi or Hitler, maybe stop quoting him verbatim?

nfl announcer: ..with Micah Parsons; and this proves -
dad: that Jerry Jones has absolutely fucking lost his mind this time; for real

forensic files is the dead people’s macguyver no i will not be elaborating at this time

nobody:
absolutely nobody:
me: fixes a kids glasses with found superglue (purse); thumbtack (office); and tried a used staple first
also me: *face*
me: what this counts as making / fixing props

ooohhhh no no no no who the fuck is we

nobody:
me; reading: it is insane that I forgot how many times they used the word perimeter during the columbine shooting

nobody:
law and order the original; in a beginning episode: “…ludes”
me: fucking *nobody* calls them that

nobody:
me, watching any one of these shows but this time it’s CSI: “ooohhhhh, kid-in-a-dryer”

lemon, it’s Tuesday.

joe mantegna: *tells a story on criminal minds*
me: that is 💯 percent a true event that has happened
also me: you can’t kno-
me: ABSOLUTE. TRUTH.