ahh yes, when 20% of your warfighters are on profile because they have the flu that's max lethality

Babe, I know you thought I was a sensitive soul when you saw me crying during that Cure song but I really just had a chicken bone stuck in my throat

Two Mourning Doves at a bird feeder with a built-in camera. One dove is in profile, very close to the camera, and appears to be looking at it, and the other dove is further back, but also looks like it’s staring straight into the lens.

These two Mourning Doves at my feeder cam look like they just rang my doorbell because Tony Soprano sent them to collect a debt I owe.

I love going to barbecue restaurants. I'm not a connoisseur or anything I just like to say pulled pork.

Did you know that therapy takes more than one appointment? Just found out and i am LIVID

Never trust an excellent kisser.

Counting out twenty one almonds like a Babylonian tax collector

Oh lord

My teenage daughter confessed to getting high but said it “wasn’t worth it because of the hangover.” Okay, pussy

turns out saying “my neural pathways have become accustomed to your sensory inputs” does not get you laid

Me: ...at the time we lived in a gay neighborhood

12YO: "Gay neighborhood?"

15YO: It's a neighborhood that's attracted to another neighborhood of the same gender

one day my children will bring my posts before a judge as the reason they are questioning my competence

A stray, delicate-winged miracle perches upon me. I hold still not to scare it away. Time ticks. One of us will eventually move. Time ticks.

[me, complimenting someone] well, at least you’re not AI

i like to shoot pool with my bf, Bill Yards . folks,,

Whoever named no-see-ums absolutely killed it

There are some ways around not wanting to know something, but like anything with a catch there's a knowing something you didn't even know you didn't want to know so...I tricked you into eating flashcards

Pinned down by cats. This is a good death.

'Marijuana' is the only English word in which the 'j' is silent.

Nothing better to do with a bonfire than show it your hands, imo

i do not understand people who can take pills without water what are you a bunch of extra drooly bitches and if so i have some stuff you can drool on if you want

VERY COOL PERSON: It's four-twenty, you know what that means?

ME: Hell yeah! [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

There’s little that can reduce you to tears quite so exquisitely as the right piece of music at just the right time.

That said, a well timed football to the testicles does come close though.

Adaptation is not the same as healing.

You kids and your fancy bathroom alchemy. Time was, all you need in the shower was a bar of soap, a can of Schlitz, and a crippling fear of intimacy

*Darth Vader running his helmet thru the dishwasher*

you just know some guy named geoff decided to spell it "pigeon"

As a Trad Wife, she is a wife of many Traditions, one of which is soon to become stabbing you in the head.

Damn, you know you're getting old when you get up in the morning and have to rest for awhile.

Linkedin is so funny with their little emails. "You may be a fit for this job" lmao ok sure Jan