One day we’re all going to say “I remember where I was when I heard the news.” And no one will even need clarification on what event we’re talking about.

When everything is going wrong, be grateful you have no allergy to coffee.

don't believe everything you believe

I’ll take Expected Outcomes Of Electing A Felon for $500, Alex.

It’s like my mom always said, what the fuck is wrong with you

Korner Kitchen sign proclaiming Jesus Christ is born hot meatloaf.

Meatloaf so tender and mild.

Get the most out of the holidays by sitting back and letting the overwhelming sadness take over.

when I die please divide my ashes evenly between all my reusable water bottles

after you die Guy Fieri weighs your heart against a rack of ribs to see if you will be admitted into Flavortown

hey what should we call this big fuckin bird?

Jim Henson: Big Bird

Welcome to December.

The world is still a dumpster fire but, like, a festive one.

Maybe this weed gummy will fix me. Maybe 10 beers will fix me. Maybe sleep will fix me. Maybe a gallon of coffee will fix me...

Wellsir, time to get liquored up and shoot at the ocean

Me: won’t eat 5 cheese strings cause it’s too much cheese

Also me: eats 5 deep fried mozzarella sticks

if I ever have a Wikipedia page of my own, I hope there’s one section sandwiched in the middle called, “The Incident”

Every time you enlarge a profile pic, Bluesky should emit an audible, "CREEP."

Someone come over and take away my shitposting thumbs please and thank you.

cheeks burn
late autumn sun
winter is advancing

[while being tackled by police dog] what's his name?

I wanna rock and roll 2 hours tops and party maybe every 14 days

When asked what their dying wish would be, anyone who doesn't say it would be that they weren't dying has clearly not thought things through.

when the wedding officiant asks if anyone has anything to say that is not the opportunity to ask what is being served at the reception. i know this now

u don’t realize how idyllic and peaceful ur social media experience can be till there’s no more algorithm force feeding u bait content and instead it’s just an infinite scroll of the funniest people on the planet doing their fucken best to make u smile

@twosapphiresblu.bsky.social

Fire fire in the sky.
Two Twitter diamonds lost & found.
One blue and one the devil.
But who is who.

Only time may tell.

💙

Me: I just want my existence to be acknowledged.

Automatic door: Nope
Automatic faucet: Fuck you
Automatic paper towel dispenser: Nice try
Automatic toilet: You excite me so much I can’t even control myself

No sleep for one day: This sucks.

No sleep for two days: Holy fuckin shit this blows.

No sleep for three days: OH HELL YEAH I CAN BEND SPACE AND TIME, MOTHERFUCKER!!!

Rooms cluttered with passing interests. All of those things you were going to be someday.