I have realized I am happiest when someone else is making me food while I watch sports.

😬 this is bad take.

Met this guy at a bar. He told me he was an Arsenal supporter so it instantly started conversation. Later found out he left a comment on my dating profile. So now I don’t think he was actually an Arsenal fan. Props to you, sir.

“You’re a romantic, I’m British.”

Naaaahhhhh

If you’re over 6ft tall you should have to be at the back of concerts. It should be a rule.

Canned mushrooms should be banned.

a man in a red shirt says i deserve a treat on snl ALT: a man in a red shirt says i deserve a treat on snl

Calling it a “birthday weekend” implies that I wouldn’t spend this kind of money on any other weekend.

Met a guy at the bar. Guy spent an hour gushing over his girlfriend and son at the bar. KING behavior and what we all want.

He seems totes stable. All that ketamine helps I’m sure.

Southwest keeps changing my boarding time by one minute. They’ve done this 4 times now.

Average Thursday: explaining to my dogs that I know they hate the vacuum but they’re the reason I use it so much.

Guy next to me is reading the Bible and I’m listening to “Onyx Storm”, same but different?

Katie McCabe leads the celebrations in North London for Arsenal Women's Champions League winners parade.

Listen, it's Katie McCabe's world and we're all just lucky to be in it.

I will never understand how Americans eat without a knife. Aren’t you suffering?

#thedaughterhedidntmention

Should I be offended?

Are all Arsenal supporters drunk this casual Wednesday or just my lot?

My new PT multiple times during my session- “you’re just so bendy and mobile.”

Yeah, almost like that’s why I’m here. 🙃

What is really sad is I trust the Atlantic editor-in-chief Jeffrey Goldberg with national secrets more than I do anyone in the Trump administration.

Watching Copeland and Anberlin so I’m reminiscing about Cornerstone 2007 and feeling old AF.

Surprisingly I’ve been drinking at home most of the time 😅

Fredo, you get it.

My power was meant to be back on over 2 hours ago. Guess I live at my local bar now.

*less creepy

When a guy asks me for my number so I hit him with the “God’s not real.”

The number of kids, elderly folks, chronically ill, and folks who live in abject poverty who will be ruined by this will be epic. Healthcare costs can ruin the rich. What happens when little kids cannot see a doctor?

Beer fests give me hope that winter is almost over.

A story told in two parts 😂