The four horsemen have arrived and they said everything is fine and nothing to worry about.

Take your shining orb and hide it from passers-by and thieves.

Celebrating the anniversary of when I placed an unbreakable curse upon my enemies.

I’ve been busy building and maintaining my legacy.

I don’t wish to brag but my sneezes have been described as “loud and unnecessary”.

Everyone loves a monolith.

I see that the astronauts have omitted the world turtle from their photos.

A friend recently decided to become infallible and it’s getting slightly annoying.

“Hope you didn’t just do your big shop because you’ve wasted your time.”

I’ve signed up to a subscription service that lets you pat a different dog every day. Today is a greyhound called Frank.

A good icebreaker is to ask someone to describe their kitchen cabinets.

Be careful, the Happy Fridayers are Happy Thursdaying.

It’s disappointing that Trump has decided to destroy the moon but there’s nothing anyone can do except sit and watch as the obliterated fragments of rock fall down upon us.

Have been trying to rectify past regrets through forbidden magic and am starting to regret this as well.

I’ve just booked an appointment to “dwell in a pit of my own despair” and I’m so excited for it.

No one wants to admit they want to see my collection of smooth rocks.

This is no time to be outside. Anyone outside after 8 is lost and needs assistance.

This economy is failing wizards.

It’s not one disaster after another. It’s one long disaster.

Gravy can be a morning drink if you want it to be.

NASA need to return to the moon to defeat the moon bears once and for all.

Algorithms make far too many assumptions that I actually like anything at all.

There was an old saying “give a man an egg”. But its meaning has been lost to time.

I’m not sure I can still afford to fund my habit of drinking copious amounts of crude oil.

There’s a strange bright orb in the sky.

Trade in your leftover Christmas spirit and goodwill for some extra New Year hate and loathing.

I’m on a strict assorted cheese, celebration chocolate, and mini sausage roll diet.

It is ok to spend family gatherings hidden inside a kitchen cupboard.

Sprouts sprouts sprouts!!

Tesco won’t even let you make a ritual offering to the land spirits by slaughtering a boar and smearing the blood on fellow customers.