No thanks, "activewear," you sound exhausting.

Me: Swimming in the Aegean, my cruel but stunning mistress watching me from the beach.

Hiring Manager: ….And where do you see yourself SIX years from now?

This spa day not just relaxing, but last place the cops will look.

Modern People: Haha those old movies with married couples in twin beds!

Also Modern People: The grape suspect was unalived when he drew a pewpew…

what was herbie fully loaded with

The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it's a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.

*Darth Vader running his helmet thru the dishwasher*

turtles have shells so they have somewhere to hide when a contractor is at their house doing work

Following decades of silence from the Smithsonian, I've thrown my old report cards away.

Wendy’s has entered the chat (I have never nor will ever again use that phrase).

You know the answer!

News to me, but thank you!

The evening ended with my taking her to a little Scottish place I knew about. She got the McChicken.

I don’t like twist endings. Darth Vader should just be some guy.

Like I said!

in general, more things should have been punctuated by a beastie boys KICK IT

Sure, there were swingers there, but it was hardly a “party.” Just a few friends having sex.

Don’t rub it in (no).

Fool me twice, shame on me. These beans aren't magic either.

I'm not a big fan of the woman (full disclosure), but I did trip on that.

Like a tree falling in a forest, things don't look good for me.

the bulbs inside of a Wendy's restaurant sign burned out, scorching the plastic cover, leaving Wendy's portrait scorched and looking demonically possessed

"Sir, this is a goth Wendy's..."

I’m not sure why I’m getting such a kick out of this, but on my walk this morning, my foot slid on something laying on the sidewalk. Looking down, angry and expecting to see a pile of dog crap, I found, much to my delight, that for the first time in my life, I’d actually slipped on a banana peel.

A gentleman does not kiss [Sharon Ferber in the Chili’s parking lot] and tell.

Referring to my imaginary friends as my dissociates

Me: I'm thinking some people were maybe meant to be alone, and maybe I am one of those people.

Barber: I meant in terms of your haircut.

me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*

my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone

you shouldn’t learn about bands from shady TikTok manipulation, you should learn about bands by hanging out with a girl you like but are also extremely afraid of

Life isn't some movie. No sewer clown is coming to save the day.

I remember the old one closing (and being sad). Didn’t know of this second coming.