her: did you schedule your colonoscopy yet?

me: with these tariffs?

Picture of a translucent hooded, caped, skeleton wrapped around an alarmed looking man seeming to move him involuntarily

When the IT guy takes over my computer remotely

I have a horrible cold and that qualifies as good news in 2025

gimme yule
gimme fire
don me now with gay attire

Yes

My brain and my back can't possibly be the same age

Cheers, my friend

Sometimes when dogs sniff me I am absolutely convinced they're weighing how much flesh they'd have to chew to get to my bones but I'm still like aww what a good puppy

optimus prime: did she just wink at me?

me: i think she’s turning left

just repeating the phrase "hawk tuah girl meme coin" over and over until my brain is as smooth as a polished stone

Pleading insanity in small claims court.

Probably is not definitely

accidentally cut some dude off in traffic and he told me to suck his dick but i probably won’t tbh

When my parents said they were going to key parties I imagined a bunch of nerdy antique key collectors showing off their prized items to each other.

Turns out that was pretty close.

I drank too much Smart Water and now I can hear math.

[to the assassin] omg do me next

My mom answers the phone like she's in the middle of defusing a bomb

Probably not a great sign for your industry when a lot of people are rooting for your murderer

Oh no, my worst fears are being realized

I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds

I am here to make friends with other Cybertruck haters

God I love institutionalized gluttony

Happy Thanksgiving, my friend!

Indeed. It's the only way

Happy Thanksgiving, my friend

You win since it's more rhymeable

my family has decided on our rap group names. the kids are lil handsoap and lil plunger, and apparently I'm big wet wipe