Since my last update my eyes look like a slot machine when I'm dissociating

A looksmaxxing Transformer, call it Vehicular *catapults phone into the sun

Butterfly resting on a fire extinguisher

Only butterflies can put out fires

He was telling me all this stuff about how he goes blind at any given time or that his arms will stop working. I hate when my Uber driver tries to make conversation.

nothing I say means anything and yet I would like you to take it seriously

where they put all the crusts from the uncrustables?

There is nothing familiar about the inside of this whale but the swallowing took me back. The 90's indie rock scene, books I thought I should read, too much time with the wrong person, all in boxes outside, oh shit my ex kicked me out of this whale

One day, I'm gonna fall in with the "right crowd". And, gawd, I'm gonna be cross.

got an ankle tattoo at 17 and made sure it was high enough so you could see it when I was wearing my high top converse and that was the last time I thought about my fashion sense I think

Hear me out, a drive-thru sperm bank called 𝘌𝘢𝘴𝘺 𝘊𝘰𝘮𝘦, 𝘌𝘢𝘴𝘺 𝘎𝘰.

At Costco and saw the chips whose ads kept interrupting the youtube videos I'd been watching so I drop kicked six of them into the personal care aisle

I'm at the point in my life where starting a sentence with "I'll never forget..." is just a bald-faced lie

Is the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything still 42 or is there an update?

The sax solo is right behind me isn't it?

I am looking for a serious relationship. Servere. Sober. Austere. Preferably with a man in mourning.

Ever open a door and there’s another door directly behind it? That’s when you know some shit’s gonna go down.

Today’s 420 parade fizzled out early when the marchers began wandering off in different directions.

Counting out twenty one almonds like a Babylonian tax collector

That’s gonna leave a question mark.

ate a hard boiled egg too fast just to feel something

did some yard work this afternoon

actually, sat down in a lawn chair

OK, closed my eyes for a while, too

WELL, IT WAS IN THE YARD!

sorry I haven’t been online lately been trying to open this childproof cap

I got an extra slice of bacon at breakfast this morning and 13 said I looked like a cheeky 3 year old with a beard.

I’m good with that.

I just heard a coworker saying ‘and then I opened the door and there were penises everywhere’.

I’ve no idea what she was talking about but I’m guessing it wasn’t the gateway to Narnia.

I’d probably hate getting thrown into a pit full of vipers, but I’d do it just for the story.

I never wanted to post this path. I started out as a walking stick account, but then I poked my first stupidest shit I could think of and the stick treeactivated

They really should've called male frogs 'dadpoles'

I don't really need reading glasses yet, but sometimes I put a pair on and my eyes are like, "Hey! This is pretty nice. Thanks lady!" and I didn't even know that giving the eyes the ability to talk was another selling point for reading glasses.

The energy between us is orange cat.