How do you turn regular water into holy water? Boil eight hot dogs in it, then let it cool.

The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Pope Leo XIV theonion.com/the-onions-exclusive-int...

Napkinless Man With Grease-Covered Fingers Realizes He Trapped In A Prison Of His Own Creation

Napkinless Man With Grease-Covered Fingers Realizes He Trapped In A Prison Of His Own Creation theonion.com/napkinless-man-with-grea...

Trump Escalates Feud With Unclear Adversary By Posting AI Video Of Self Fucking Basketball WASHINGTON—Shocking Truth Social followers with a graphic insult to a nebulous opponent, President Donald Trump escalated a feud with an unclear adversary Monday by posting an AI video of himself fuck...

Trump Escalates Feud With Unclear Adversary By Posting AI Video Of Self Fucking Basketball

The Onion Explains: Global Nuclear Proliferation Pt. 2

Man Who Threw Molotov Cocktail At Sam Altman’s Home Claims He Was Following ChatGPT Recipe For Risotto SAN FRANCISCO—Following reports that a 20-year-old man had been arrested for throwing a Moltov cocktail at Sam Altman’s home, the suspect stated Monday that he only initiated the attack because he was...

Man Who Threw Molotov Cocktail At Sam Altman’s Home Claims He Was Following ChatGPT Recipe For Risotto

Area Woman's Entire Day Ruined By Bangs

Area Woman's Entire Day Ruined By Bangs theonion.com/area-womans-entire-day-r...

Sabrina Carpenter Turns Body Fully Inside-Out In Horrific New 'Juno' Position

Sabrina Carpenter Turns Body Fully Inside-Out In Horrific New 'Juno' Position

Lena Dunham Claims Adam Driver Used The Force On Set Of ‘Girls’ LOS ANGELES—Accusing the actor of abusing the all-powerful Life Current that binds the universe together, Lena Dunham claimed Friday that Adam Driver used the Force on the set of the HBO series Girls....

“It can really create a toxic work environment when a coworker you thought was your friend suddenly begins shooting lightning out of his hand at crew members in between setups for dialogue scenes,” said Lena Dunham

Oil Prices Plummet In Big Fuck-You To Americans Who Got Gas Yesterday WASHINGTON—In what is being characterized as a massive middle finger to millions of furious motorists, oil prices plummeted Friday, delivering a big fuck-you to all the Americans who gassed up their v...

“Nobody was hit harder than the suckers who filled their tanks mere hours before the ceasefire between Israel and Lebanon caused the price of a barrel of crude to plunge 10%,” said Georgetown University economics professor Elizabeth Murphy

Coachella Cancels Weekend 2 After Drugs Found On Festival Grounds INDIO, CA—Expressing shock and disappointment at the conduct of so-called music fans, representatives for concert promoter Goldenvoice announced Friday that Coachella’s second weekend had been cancele...

“After discovering what we believe to be illegal substances within the bounds of Empire Polo Club, we have made the difficult decision to cancel Coachella weekend two,” read a statement released by Coachella co-founder Paul Tollett

Zoe Peters Zoe Peters died at 76 from a heart attack, assuming the medical examiner accepts her husband’s bribe.

Global Tetrahedron Logo Shirt

You work hard for your money. Now, hand it over. store.theonion.com/products/global-tetrahed...

Be as specific as possible when describing which Zootopia character you want to look like.

Tips For Getting Better Haircuts https://theonion.com/tips-for-getting-better-haircuts/

“We’ve gone too long not knowing who Chuck Grassley canoodles with.” Giulia Ricci, Retired Diarist

TMZ Launches D.C. Bureau https://theonion.com/tmz-launches-d-c-bureau/

All Marlins Walk-Up Songs Royalty-Free

All Marlins Walk-Up Songs Royalty-Free

What Are We Protesting?

What Are We Protesting?

Oil Prices Plummet In Big Fuck-You To Americans Who Got Gas Yesterday

Oil Prices Plummet In Big Fuck-You To Americans Who Got Gas Yesterday theonion.com/oil-prices-plummet-in-bi...

Live Nation CEO Sentenced To 10 Years In Online Queue

Live Nation CEO Sentenced To 10 Years In Online Queue

Lena Dunham Claims Adam Driver Used The Force On Set Of ‘Girls’

Lena Dunham Claims Adam Driver Used The Force On Set Of ‘Girls’ theonion.com/lena-dunham-claims-adam-...

Coachella Cancels Weekend 2 After Drugs Found On Festival Grounds

Coachella Cancels Weekend 2 After Drugs Found On Festival Grounds theonion.com/coachella-cancels-weeken...

“Must we relearn the lessons of the Avia–LA Gear Cyborg Wars?” Tariq Farouk, Lantern Tester

Allbirds Pivots To AI https://theonion.com/allbirds-pivots-to-ai/

LeBron Clarifies Which Teammates Are, Are Not His Children

LeBron Clarifies Which Teammates Are, Are Not His Children theonion.com/lebron-clarifies-which-t...

Man Torn Over Which Shirt Worthy Of Wooden Hanger Area Resident Considers Pros, Cons Of Each Garment

Man Torn Over Which Shirt Worthy Of Wooden Hanger theonion.com/man-torn-over-which-shir...

Man with Flamethrower Waiting for Appropriate Time to Use It

Man with Flamethrower Waiting for Appropriate Time to Use It

Biologists Confirm Not Much Evolution Happened Today STANFORD, CA—Calling it a “pretty slow one” as far as natural selection and genetic drift were concerned, biologists from Stanford University confirmed Tuesday that not much evolution happened today. ...

“According to our observations over the past 24 hours, the vast majority of species on earth have pretty much just been holding steady and staying the course, gene-wise,” said biologist Clarice Abernathy

Nick Offerman Visits Criterion Closet To Rebuild Shelves NEW YORK—In an eight-hour-long video posted Tuesday to the Criterion Collection’s YouTube channel, actor Nick Offerman can be seen paying a visit to the Criterion Closet to rebuild the film library’s ...

“Don’t tell me you’ve been using particle board in here,” said the 55-year-old woodworker

Increased Work Commitments Causing Man To Neglect Alcohol WATERBURY, CT—Admitting his career had come between him and what mattered most, local man Andrew Tesser confirmed Thursday that mounting work obligations had caused him to seriously neglect his relati...

“I thought I had it under control, but then I got promoted, and suddenly I was skipping every happy hour to stay late on Zoom calls with clients in other time zones,” said Andrew Tesser

Teresa Willis and Brendan Cooks Nuptials were held at the same convenience store where the bride first threatened to put a bullet in the groom’s skull if he didn’t empty the fucking register.

'World's Largest Metaphor' Poster Print

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Q: Which members of the cast are returning? A: Willingly, none of them.

What To Know About ‘Euphoria’ Season 3 theonion.com/what-to-know-about-eupho...