The funniest day of my life was finding out my grandma farts

All gender bathrooms are good for everyone because I know we all shit there

My wife is always doing funny shit and then asking me why I’m laughing

All love to Ethel Cain…
I just spent an hour and a half listening to a leaf blower

I come to the pho place because yes, the pho is very good, but also because there is a 100% chance that they will be playing Laufey

When you get off at the same exit as a car that is the same as yours, that’s kind of like your car’s tether

They put audiobooks on Spotify and suddenly everyone’s a reader (I’m everyone)

I work at a med school, so me and my lazy eye fit right in

Go forth and piss young maiden

Literally dont get me started

And not just the experiment, but the way the doc was made, the reenactment, the reunion, the way they all just shook hands and were like “that was wild!”

Watching the Stanford Prison Experiment documentary thinking only a man would do any of this

And search he did!

There’s a man on the trolley writing an absolute book of a text with just his pointer finger.

I haven’t been posting on here bc I’m too busy tweeting

Carrying my 60 pound package from Chewy up the stairs feeling like Dave Bautista

My reading comprehension isn’t good enough to hit my tweet limit. Why am I here?

Sat on my invite code until I saw someone say that Threads was going to be friendly. Like, I’m pleased to introduce you to your grandmother. She’s a menace who watches infowars