I'm sad and want everybody else to be sad too

- first guy to make cauliflower rice

Hello and welcome to my den of iniquity and my kitchen of villainy and my living room of impropriety and my garage of knavery and my

Ugh please stop saying things are maxxing. I'm maxxed to the maxx with the maxxing.

I dunno, living behind a brick wall in somebody's basement sounds kind of relaxing.

I asked my kid if I was using 6 7 correctly and he said no because it’s automatically wrong if you’re old

I put the fun in defunct

where they put all the crusts from the uncrustables?

wait…
you have irl friends?

I don’t understand

can't, I'm letting the dogs out

it’s fun when multiple cat pfps like the same posts bc my notifications look like one cat saw it and shared it with their cat friends

you're eating the peel for extra fiber, i'm eating the candy wrapper bc i have given up, we are not so different you and i

push notifications but it’s just my IBS

so how about no president and we all just pinky promise to be cool

yes i’m gonna notify you anyway bitch tf

who up catastrophizing

i can only gleek accidentally

have you tried renting a bunch of scary movies at the video store and staying up all night eating pizza about it

It’s 3 minutes past jizznight.

He’s a 10 but says ‘anywho’ after he climaxes

They should write a song about a tart Caroline, maybe even a savory Caroline.

been standing in this Kmart layaway line since 1997

Me feeding my cat: can’t, feeding my cat

Anyone by chance going to the sleep store anytime soon

at least your hands around my throat gets rid of two of my chins how do I look

(puts a band-aid on your post) I hope it gets better soon

Instead of saying I have to poop, I say I’m starting a movement.

[youth pastor voice, bloodshot eyes]

you know who else blazed it up with his buddies?

(snuggling with my cat when she gets a look in her eye) are you about to bite me

cat: prrhaps

rearranging the hideaway in my mind to make room for more floor cushions and cheese snacks

If I had a dollar for every time I zoned out during a boring conversation, I'd have enough money to just have enough money.