I’ve nicknamed my junk “Worcestershire”, because a little goes a long way.

It’s 9:30 am Saturday, March 22.

In approximately 408 hours, @kristianw.bsky.social will be standing in front of me for the very first time.

407 of those hours will be spent asking my guys if this shirt makes my eyes pop.

#ButWhosCounting

There are 3 rules for living a fulfilling life.

I don’t know any of them.

Of course I’m multi-cultural.

*dips my egg rolls in queso

Every work day, she texts me to let me know she’s home.

I’m counting down the days until we can Ricky Ricardo this shit.

I don't mind looking like a fool for you

You had me at a fart skeet, but you lost your shit.

How old am I?

I don’t know how much longer I can barricade myself from the archeologists.

ME!!!!!!

Have I mentioned 26 DAYS?!?! @kristianw.bsky.social

Sitting on the toilet staring at the weather app on your phone is the new going outside.

Just trying to put music on her phone, which she’s never done. This could be trying.

I hope you all have at least one “Speaking of good poops…” moment this weekend.

Sorry I can’t come I’m eating cereal.

I think I’m going to need it.

She said it’s a Water Exercise CD with music and speaking.

I don’t have the heart to tell her that the iPhone isn’t waterproof.

"You look familiar," as an insult

Family Planning:

1. Let someone else have children.

2. Sleep late.

3. Retire early.

You're welcome.

Jesus could have turned that water into Baja Blast, but he didn’t because you masturbate.

I googled my symptoms and it appears I am just old.

When my dog freaked the fuck out after someone knocked on the door, I really felt that.

My prayer every day is to wake up with the rising sun and do whatever the fuck I want.

Welcome to your 40s

You now require a 2 minute readjustment period after rubbing your eyes.

My 80 year old mother just asked, “How do I put a CD on my phone?”

If you don’t hear from me again, please avenge my death and tell Kristian I love her.

Sometimes in the middle of posting and reposting, I ask myself “did a jogger just bounce off my windshield?”

🎼 Every kiss begins with K

…

🎼 And every online relationship begins with “Hey”

A screenshot that reads, "Wind speed is measured by averaging wind speeds over a period of time. Gusts are sudden bursts of wind typically lasting under twenty seconds."

I sexually identify as a gust of wind.

Not to brag, but I made it into the next edition of Girls Gone Bewildered.

Don’t ask me to explain myself. I have no idea either