Going from not being able to poop to not being able to stop pooping over the course of 20 minutes really shows how much of a fickle mistress my own butthole is.

Realizing someone is shooting you with your own gun has to be one of the worst realizations to go out on

Just a reminder for everyone that the first Fast & Furious movie had a big race in the desert and decided to name it RACE WARS. The wildest part is that we collectively just all went "yeah, that makes sense"

Do yourself a favor and listen to something that glues a stankface on your mug

I'm not sure how belts won the war over suspenders, but I hate it

Genuine question: Do normies get nervous walking into courthouses for bureaucratic tasks, or is that just people who've been to court for less than chill stuff?

But Mom! Who's bringing orange slices to my hunger strike?!

I'd like to introduce you to my upstairs neighbor with the dog that barks for an hour every time they leave the house. Or if it sees you in the stairwell. Or if you are walking in the front door and it's on the balcony. This is my personal hell

Your special interest is special forks. Honestly better than stamp collecting or model trains

No one expects their son to grow up to look like a big, fat, tattooed baby with a mustache. Except for my parents. They prepared

Sorry, can’t. I’ve been summoned to the yard by someone’s milkshake.

Why is Slimer so caked up?! Who said "ya know what, give him a dump truck of an ass"

Heating food up in a workplace microwave should be treated just like a war crime.

When I haven't opened the app in awhile I'll chill on discover... Until I see a grown man in a diaper or some incredibly graphic porn I didn't consent to. Then it's back to chilling with the homies

The real heroes are the people in the video comments naming the show or movie a clip was from

Want kids to go outside and get off of phones? Bring back payphones. It's the only way

I'm getting so many spam calls lately I'm starting to think someone wrote my number in a bathroom stall in Calcutta

I hope Ken Bone is a normal, well adjusted person in 2025 and I will not be looking to see what he is up to

only three things are certain: death, taxes, annoying guys

a man in a striped shirt is holding a golf club in front of a sign that says " now watch this drop " Alt: George W Bush telling you "now watch this drive" before hitting an mediocre drive at best

Remember when this goofy bastard founded DHS after 9/11?

These kids are too young to Never Forget!

A fake subway ad for "subtember 11th of a man flying with arms outstretched and mouth open towards two sandwiches standing vertically. The text reads you I'll never forget this deal. The price is listed at $9.11

Just a shout-out to the @theonion.com for making what is still the absolute funniest 9/11 ad of all time. This is a deal I will never forget!

Polis has lost the fucking plot. The fact that we still have a full year and change of this placating and capitulating is fucking sad.

Why was Peter Rabbit the only one with a normal name? Flopsy, Mopsy, and Peter? Come on, now

If you watch Jeopardy without playing out loud in your own home what the fuck are you even doing?

My 30's really hitting me like a tonne of bricks this week

My whole personality is coming up with skeets I think are clever, realizing it's the middle of the night and I should post them tomorrow, then promptly forgetting them

The amount of people raw dogging life with their teams notifications reflecting "9+" is wild

A small to medium sized pumpkin that I grew

The fruits (technically gourds) of my chaos gardening in front of my apartment building!

Girl same. That single post was enough for me lol