Him: You smell amazing.

Me: Thanks, it’s garlic bread.

Here’s something political:

Go fuck yourself.

*mutes all the political skeets*

Me: This is nice.

I’ve got your tariffs right here.

*gestures at boobs*

If he doesn’t want to see your tariffs, they aren’t worth the price increase.

Canadian buttholes are the best kind of buttholes.

Tariff this butthole.

What base is it when your vagina makes him nervous?

Woke up with a vagina again.

My only limit is my imagination.

And my lack of ability.

And my apathetic personality.

Tazed by the sheriff of Funkytown

I love the smell of coffee and butthole skeets first thing in the morning.

Came for the wine moms, stayed for the butthole skeets.

Hot wine moms on Bluesky are posting butthole skeets.

people who pull the bed covers anywhere up above the neck are pretending to be uncircumcised dicks when they go to sleep prove me wrong

Buttholes need goodnight kisses too.

*wakes up on February 1st*

Me: Thank fuck January is done.

January was longer than a pair of tits on Twitter.

Shooing my Roomba out of the kitchen like Ma Ingalls 2.0

My chihuahua's basically a tiny cartel kingpin who's scared of the rain.

"I haven't been this sexually aroused since the time Spock pretended to seduce a Romulan commander whilst Kirk, disguised as a Romulan centurion, stole the cloaking device from a Romulan ship, thus saving the USS Enterprise from imminent destruction"

"Ma'am, please pull forward to the next window"

I keep my shower really clean by encouraging my family to bathe in the river.

According to HR I'm no longer allowed to say "Something wicked this way comes" when our boss arrives at work.

Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder name a better couple

The main reason I never light up a room is because I don't own a flamethrower.

If running has taught me anything, it’s that I have the hips of an old German Shepherd.

I don’t need any help. I can make terrible decisions all on my own.

Like one of those Thai ping pong ball shows, but it’s a woman I paid five hundred bucks to fire meatballs into my mouth from across the room.