I want a human made painting of a kfc / Taco Bell combo with the Lincoln quote about a house divided cannot stand

Being able to sleep on any plane is my superpower, it’s coach level time travel

PORTLAND! Only 15 tickets left for the late show - escape your family, bring some booze, and have some laughs

1 ticket left for the early show, plenty left for the late show - www.zaktoscani.com/public-events

Let me make myself crystal clear

My hell is not knowing how to roller skate good but constantly hearing songs and thinking “I bet this would be fun as hell to glide to”

Glide is my best guess as to insider terminology

A group of pickleballers is known as a Lame.

hearing folks sprinting through the airport yelling “sorry! Our flight boards in 10min” like that doesn’t mean you got 45min to get there

Early show is sold out but still tickets to the late show at Commonwealth Comedy Club - Cincinnati / Northern KY

Early show is sold out but still tickets to the late show at Commonwealth Comedy Club - Cincinnati / Northern KY

Turkeys really get victim blamed during Thanksgiving. We eat the motherfucker and then blame being tired on a chemical in their meat. Instead of the fact that we just ate a plate that’s just a meat +12

The truth about Mission Trips

Please tell me there’s a white jazz guy named Anglo Sax’in

A little joke about a coffee shop order gone wrong

I need a life oversight committee bs last night I paired some leftover Chinese food with Synder’s of Hanover pretzels

A little joke about a coffee shop order gone wrong

Random House has rejected my book proposal of an agnostic retelling of Judy Blume’s fantastic novel retitled as “To Whom It May Concern, It’s Me, Margaret”

And by Random House, I mean I just knocked on an absolute strangers door and pitched it

It’s gonna be a fucking blast - you won’t wanna miss it

My first job

Frozen pizzas are blank canvases you should use to paint your masterpiece

My first job

For as dramatic as coconuts are you’d really expect them to taste better

In the Olive Garden of good and evil

So this is how you use AI, eh?

*dumps a bottle of water on a laptop*

favorite dinner experience is a seafood boil, they dump out your food from a plastic bag, you get to eat like a respectable raccoon casually digging through the oceans most delicious trash

YouTube is serving me up lots of titles like “boring history facts to help you sleep” and “dull Greek myths for sleeping” that’s just college. I paid $65,000 for that

Looks like there’s low visibility ahead, is that true? Look over here to confirm that you can hardly see the road