Settee down everyone, it's not that funny

I hope the takeover of InfoWars by @theonion.com and @timheidecker.bsky.social that resulted from the bankruptcy brought on by Alex Jones’ evil attacks on the victims of Sandy Hook brings you as much joy as it does me.

“What are you in for?”

“Felony bralessness”

GALLEGO: Earlier today, you told Sec. Kennedy that Trump never demanded you to cut interest rates. Is that your sworn testimony?

WARSH: That is, senator.

GALLEGO: Okay. Well someone here is lying then. Because Trump confirmed he pressed you on interest rate cuts.

Rep. Andy Ogles: "We're the dominant predator across all landscapes"

Step up dude

impossible to overstate how poisonous this shit is. dudes on the street smiling and waving at your toddler are an indicator of a happy and functional community

We go way back

Jim McGovern continues to go off:

"This farm bill is a disaster. It's awful. It's terrible. It's beyond words. It's a giveaway to Big Ag and chemical companies. There's actually liability protection in this bill for people who make pesticides. Like, who thinks like that?!"

Keep cooking, Jim!

🔥

Once again "the death of the West" meant "the death of my secret bank account."

It’s that time! The Golic Family Foundation silent auction is LIVE all week to help raise money for 5 amazing charities in South Bend/Michiana.

Plenty of great memorabilia, experiences, and more for the Notre Dame fan in your life ☘️

🔗: qtego.us/qlink/golicf...

pierogi !!!!!

A golden retriever has both paws up at a bank teller’s window.

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

Trump fluffer

If you attend the White House Correspondents Dinner this year, you should be legally barred from using the term "journalist" to describe yourself from that point on.

Magyar Péter (Ne féljetek) * ... @magyarpeterMP Until 31 May, the Orbán puppets may voluntarily step down from their positions. This applies to the President of Hungary, the President of the Curia, the President of the National Office for the Judiciary, the President of the Constitutional Court, and the Prosecutor General. On 12 April, the Hungarian people voted for a complete political transformation. If these officials do not step down voluntarily by 31 May, then - on the basis of the mandate received from millions of Hungarians — we will remove them from office.

Hungary’s Péter Magyar issues an ultimatum.

This is glaringly obvious to everyone except for the faces of corporate media, who desperately want to walk a red carpet

Page One.

@wsj.com #Florida

https://www.theonion.info/

looking good sir

Kash Patel’s Erratic Behavior Could Cost Him His Job The FBI director has alarmed colleagues with episodes of excessive drinking and unexplained absences.

Kash Patel’s colleagues are alarmed by what they say is erratic behavior and excessive drinking, Sarah Fitzpatrick reports. More than two dozen people she spoke with described his management failures and conduct that could harm national security.

The new report on FBI Director Kash Patel cites more than TWO DOZEN sources describing his leadership as a “management failure” and national security risk.

The White House and DOJ didn’t deny the allegations, but deflected.

Patel was the only one who issued a direct rebuttal.

That speaks volumes.

That's Mr. Apple to you

One Tim enters, another Tim exits. Perfectly balanced as all things should be.

One more

InfoWars Let me tell you a story. When I was a child, I suffered from night terrors. It was always the same dream: I could hear my family and neighbors wailing…

Some timeline stuff:
— We expect to get InfoWars.com after the judge clears it in a couple of weeks.
— We'll build a world of characters on the site and across social media. Tim Heidecker is in charge, and we have grand designs.
— Visit theonion.info, buy a subscription, help us dominate the world.

Video: ‘Homophobic’ 6-Week-Old Baby Cries After Gay Dad Tells Him ‘There Is No Mama’

Maybe we'll keep some InfoWars content up.

one of my favorite parts of the onion infowars saga is how Alex Jones lost his fucking mind when they first bought it,,,,, partly because he didn't know or understand what the onion was