don’t go chasing butterballs

please stick to the stuffing and the gravy you’re used to

I know that you're gonna gobble turkey or nothing at all

but I think you're chewing too fast

Mechanic [sliding out from under Optimus Prime]: I think I see what the issue is. This truck is also a big guy somehow

CRIMINAL: please, I have a family

BATMAN: [starts beating the shit out of him even harder]

BATMAN'S FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF

• denial
• anger
• bargaining
• dressing up as a bat with your underwear on the outside to fight crime
• acceptance

yes, I've heard of romance, but what do you do about all the nausea?

I called my dog's vet to make an appointment for her broken tooth but I forgot to rehearse what I was going to say and in a panic I went with "do you do mouth stuff"

for every 50 likes i’ll photoshop a muppet into a psychological thriller.

Just bought a never-out-of-the-box Wii with a bunch of accessories for $50 and I haven't felt this high since I accidentally took a double dose of edibles

Watching a med ad and one of the possible side effects is "unusual urges". Like what do you mean?? You'll suddenly crave human flesh? Want to fuck your grandma? Have to shit backwards on the toilet? I NEED to know

My co-workers think I'm super healthy bc I pack apple slices, cashews, cheese cubes, etc for my lunches but I only do that bc it's my ADHD food fixation rn and then I go home and eat half a pie, 2 ice cream bars and 2 cherry Cokes

I'm thinking I could make a lot of money streaming her 😜WiLd 🤪 activities

this post brought to you by butthole

Very glad I spent hundreds of $$ on pet cameras so I can watch my dog do exciting things like:

- sleep on couch
- sleep on bed
- sleep on rug
- lick butthole for 15mins straight
- sleep on back of couch

I may not have upper body strength, or lower body strength, or core body strength, but I do not have inner strength either

pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family.

I am largely unmoved by what you humans refer to as 'romcoms'.

I want him to die on live feed

Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime

Wanna come over and watch my dog fight a Roomba for some shredded cheese?

Ok this one's weird, but one of the ways I knew I was gay at a young age was how I felt about the janitor in the Breakfast Club

From the makers of "Snakes on a Plane" comes a new aviation thriller for our times: "On a Plane"

Men love to say how they would theoretically protect women but they won't even wear a condom to prevent passing on their STIs

Note to self: don't say "jackpot!!" when your new coworker at your new job says they've been selected for jury duty on a triple murder

Gonna start wedging the phrase "two prawn attack" into conversations and see if anyone corrects me

Are so much you had to loosen your belt? Undo your top pants button?

Pathetic. I ate so much leftover pasta for breakfast I had to loosen my robe

Wife: No, I don't want to go to a Star Wars themed sex party. Ew

Me: First off it's Star TREK and secondly it's called a Borgy

Could two followers please copy and re-post this to show that someone is always there?

National Suicide Prevention Hotline

Call: 0800 689 5652 (UK)
1-800-273-8255 (USA)
1.833.456.4566 (Canada)

her: where did we get all these sexy tree decorations?

me: u mean the hornaments?

Merry Christmas

Dear Santa,
You didn’t get me the thesaurus I asked for and now I’m mad. You made me really mad. I’m mad at you