Tell him Stella said he's right!!

Bring the 5€, there's a fountain very close, F😂😂💗

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Your brain, though😂😂😂😂😂

Hahahaha true

Fridge full.
Nothing to eat.
Again.

Let go what’s bothering you 🧡

sorry i was gone the last few days, but i've been working on a killer post about this app being glitchy. someone's gotta make a joke about that

according to this app game ad, im sort of a big deal in the IQ department

Mid 40s and breezy is still ok to play golf, right? Please someone tell me that.

Splurged on a Doordash from the longtime local college sandwich shop. Excellent sub. The dessert was good but still a disappointment.

More like a tinymisu.

It's so nice of all these Avengers:Doomsday ads to give me a countdown to my birthday.

PK Subban should get a double minor for those pants.

I’m not wrong. I just haven’t found the right way to dig in my heels without throwing a full-blown tantrum yet

😂😂😂😂😂

I drive a small car so people will think I’m undercompensating for something when I speed through the parking lot

I drive the point home taking the longest route possible

Sometimes my kids will present me with something so profound, that I am forced to reflect on my own life choices, like why did I have kids

my beautiful bride says I spend too much time on social media. oh great and now the priest is agreeing with her

My “beauty sleep” would have to be a lengthy coma.

You're beautiful when you're angry and thousands of miles away.

Freddy: The real treasure is all of the friends we killed along the way.

Jason: That's beautiful.

Leatherface: And the faces we wore.

Michael Meyers: *nods, single tear rolls down mask*

Make it 5€😊

I’m not sure why I’m getting such a kick out of this, but on my walk this morning, my foot slid on something laying on the sidewalk. Looking down, angry and expecting to see a pile of dog crap, I found, much to my delight, that for the first time in my life, I’d actually slipped on a banana peel.

As an adult, I have made peace with the idea that my parents must have had sex, but as an only child, I am comforted by the fact that it was just the one time.

been with bluesky for a couple of years now but it’s been going down on me so often it feels like we just started dating

On a foggy early morning walk through my quiet suburban town today, I watched as other trudging figures began slowly emerging from the mist, and suddenly I felt like I was a member of the cast of a zombie apocalypse film comprised exclusively of middle-aged white guys.

This day in history. 1965. The Grammy for record of the year went to Stan Getz and João Gilberto for their version of Antônio Carlos Jobim's The Girl From Ipanema. Singer Astrud Gilberto was not mentioned but did receive $120 for her work.

This day in history. 1561. Residents of Nuremberg witnessed a battle between two groups of extraterrestrial spacecraft in the sky coming out of the sun, I'm pretty sure, perhaps the Skwaweebees of
Skoox in pursuit of a squadron of Mubmubs from Far Vandaloo.

This day in history. 1925. German serial killer Friedrich Heinrich Karl "Fritz" Haarmann was executed by guillotine. You may know him as the Butcher of Hanover, or the Vampire of Hanover, or the Wolf Man of Hanover, or the Godfather of Funk but why are you doing that?

This day in history. 1966. Monty Python's Michael Palin married Helen Gibbins. The maid of honour maintained her poise when rather than catching a bouquet of flowers she was slapped in the face with a rather ripe halibut.