Me: (staring at little plants)

Friend: “They like it when you talk to them. You should try it :)”

Me (to plants): “G r o w f a s t e r”

I know that delivery robots probably have human names so people feel bad about bullying them, but they are going so hard with these lovingly picked POC names. Now I gotta see “Yusuf” toiling to cross the street and think about his Muslim delivery robot mom who carried him in the womb for 9 months

Somewhere there’s an early version of AI that only uses em dashes and zombie references

Okay, maybe I MAY not be human. I was losing my mind the other day when captcha kept re-testing me over and over again. Either that or I don’t know what a sidewalk looks like 🥲

God forbid a girl can read.

The em dash (—) has been the best thing for my ADHD style of self-expression since the parenthesis and, as a writer, the fact that people consider it an AI writing giveaway is SO DEEPLY ANNOYING. What do you mean I’m getting punished because y’all don’t know your punctuations??

Shh shh shhh no more scaries now 😔🫂 you are safe now

Oh my god, yes 🔥🔥🔥 that’s the spirit (get it? haaaaa)

I mourn every religious nut who could have been a much less annoying Lord of the Rings nerd instead

Me: “My sink is clogged. What do I do?”
Google: “Use Drano. It’s your best option and it’s safe for pipes!”
Me: “Okay, now it’s somehow worse?”
Google:
Me:
Google: “Here are 30 articles about why Drano is ineffective and bad for your pipes.”

I love people who get paid 800,000 dollars a year to come up with ideas like “Democrats should do popular things to increase their chances to win elections”

Thank you! And happy to hear things are steady on your end ❤️

It has seen too much

Just groan in regret after

We don’t all go by the book 100% of the time 😔

The venn diagram of a male gym teacher’s wardrobe and most people’s “I lost my will to live” wardrobe is just a circle

Watching an oil splatter come towards your nice shirt in real time like a bullet to the chest

Absolutely horrifying.

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism

I will pass it on. There are only so many things we can be pioneers of anymore

Going through a wild time 😪 lots happened but things are stabilizing now. All good on your end?

Mom looking at a plant she killed: “It doesn’t want to live :(“

Younger

Having siblings is humiliating

Me acting like an absolute dog when my female and queer besties post nice selfies: “THE VIEW IS CRAAAZYYY 🥵🔥🔥🔥 YOU’RE GONNA HURT SOMEONE PACKIN’ LIKE THAT, MUSE ❤️‍🔥”

Me when a straight male friend posts a selfie: “must have showered today”

thinking about the time when I was getting scolded as a kid and my mom said she'd leave me in the woods if I lied. My city girl ass stopped crying and turned to look at her like, "We live in a metropolis. You don't know any woods."

I have the spirit of someone who wants to sing all the lyrics to a song but the memory of someone who can barely remember the first name of a recurring character in my life who I haven’t talked to in two days

Usually I will read my Co-Star and be like, “You know… that’s not NOT deep.” But sometimes I will read it and be like, “Wtf is going on with this app”

I wouldn’t ask just anyone for business advice but I have not once looked at a dog gobbling up a puppucino and not thought, “Why is that dog better than me?”

If you are from a country with a film nominated for an Oscar, you know winning one is a collective national activity. CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL BRAZILIANS
#imstillhere #aindaestouaqui