Alex the cat fast asleep on me

he always does this. now i'm going to have to explain what happened in the movie while he was asleep

🎶I’m not wearing underpants🎶

which movie 🤔

😂😂😂

Blocking isn’t enough. I hope their children never learn how to read

The doctor checked my prostate and I said "gee, not gonna buy me dinner first?" which was unfair because earlier at dinner we had already agreed to split the tab.

A man who is so white he’s almost transparent, appearing to fly

SOMEONE ORDER A STUNNER?!

A sign saying journey church

... so come on down this Sunday when we'll be playing all your favourites

- faithfully
- wheel in the sky
- don't stop believing

- and a special shout out to the clergy: lovin' touchin' squeezin'

we'll sell you the whole pew, but you'll only need the edge!

dammit 😔

a man in a blue shirt is walking down a dirt road surrounded by trees Alt: Forrest Gump is run-ning

we have Doritos?

omg 😂😭

hope you have the row to yourself (for everyone else’s sake)!

🥳

challenge accepted

wow i wish my adult students would learn this 😒

I'M GOING VEGAN! i exclaim as i dump a family-size bag of salt & vinegar kettle chips over my face

tg it did!

I am OBSESSED with this song rn (iykyk)

you’re welcome

WHAT

man I miss that show, hope those tanning addicts are doing well

TRUE LIFE: I’M STRAIGHT UP NOT HAVING A GOOD TIME

did I just sing this to myself? TUBetcha

They are literally doing two people per screen!

Alex the cat stealing lettuce without remorse.

Alex must steal lettuce when I chop. He ignores whatever I toss him. The reward is in the larceny.

🙋🏻‍♀️

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the future sucks

as long as you have a pocket full of shells, you’ll always have a family here

A welcome mat that says “Welcome Matt” so only Matthews will feel good about visiting.