“I’m not one to judge”

TRANSLATION: Here comes the judgy part!

If you say "Happy Earth Day!" to someone and they don't say it back that's how you can tell they're an alien

A grey cat hanging on a screen door for dear life

When you’re just a little too clingy

People who learn from their mistakes have no sense of adventure.

A wild bunny stares right at me through the back glass door in the morning

Somebody who doesn’t know how calendars work showed up for Easter this morning

Come and screenshot me to my face

I really need to stop telling lies to try and impress people. Now my date wants to see photos of me as a newborn with a full set of teeth.

What if there were a reverse tooth fairy who implants extra teeth in your mouth while you sleep?

I’d rather stay home and do lines of Girl Scout cookies

I would do well as a Jeopardy! contestant if before responding to a clue I could spend a couple of minutes saying, “It’ll come to me.”

Being married is easy, I don't know why people complain about it. All you have to do is ask what your partner needs, actually listen to the answer, then figure out how you're going to train a variety of woodland creatures to put ancient curses on their enemies. It's literally so simple.

I hate the world and want everyone else to as well

- first guy to make cauliflower pizza

I'm sad and want everybody else to be sad too

- first guy to make cauliflower rice

[inventor of spaghettios on their death bed] they were always... (labored breathing) ...spaghetti zeros

Not to sound pretentious but Pinot Grigio pairs well with lucky charms

If there is a heaven , you’ll be able to hug bees and talk about life with dogs, giraffes, and sloths

Scuba the cat wearing an absolutely WTF expression

[team meeting]

boss: ok, let's roundtable your ideas on leveraging AI to optimize our synergy in the global marketplace

me:

A weary-looking cat.

My face when I’m watching the news.

scuba classic
divers rockers
🤝

Air Supply fans

me: I’ll take dare

judge: no

Colombian artist Fernando Botero's painting "Mona Lisa, Age Twelve"

When you polish off the whole donut box in the break room

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

[trying to spread my flat moon theory] look, it says it right here. It's like a big pizza pie.

Me: It’s cold outside, so bundle up

16: Okay, I’ll put socks on

That's ok, Bluesky, I also work inconsistently.

If you fart while peeing full stream, that’s called a Tuscaloosa Screenshot

This morning is back to work for me. Unfortunately my phone's alarm setting was still on PTO.