Seems,uhh

Inorganic

ppv event of the best christmas carolers on earth competing for the title, we're calling it world wassailing entertainment

I’m not HAPPY Lily Allen got cheated on. I would never say that…but this album slaps so far THAT’S ALL I’M GONNA SAY

*shows up to an AA meeting looking for batteries*

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You talkin bout the uhh, the guy there?

I've never been prouder of a random girl from New Hampshire

of course it’s a banana in my pocket why would i be happy to see you

when there's a little pepper growing inside a regular pepper i call it an ectopic pepperancy. everybody hates it when i do that.

We're about 2 months away from a white house press release saying 'Actually, it's called ephebophilia'

I did do the blasty in the pasty

Of course! Civility!

I just want 16:9 for cryin out loud

I'm gonna wait and see if the IRS dissolves before I bother to file my taxes

"these tariffs are going to ruin my business"

Us after we navigate the dialectic contradictions presented by modern life as a human being on planet Earth

in the weekly status meeting like malkovich repeating "it's beyond my control" until someone starts crying and the deadline gets pushed out

Combining caffeine with decision paralysis is like flooring the gas when the car is in neutral

Who the hell keeps shitting down my chimney then?

Me pot o’ gold is a pile o’ shite
-self deprechaun

HE'LL YEAH BADASS SKELITON PRESIDENT

Email: your bank account balance is low

Why are you always attacking me?

Crouching Trauma, Hidden Sadness.

I've assembled a team of the most horrible perverts and criminals you've ever seen and we're going to fix this country

the shrek shack is a little swamplace where we have sex with ogres. shrek shack, baby

Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?

Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven't done it. Bring more

Oliver Twist, what a shame. Put himself out there in front of everyone. And for what? Some gruel? A man must live on his feet. I would gladly kill or die for gruel but I would never let it drive me.

boss: are you planning to work today?

me: I already did

boss: no, you have to do it all day

me: what

LOL