Pope Cop
This fall on CBS

Me, thinking I understand the NATO alphabet: It's spelled F-ray A-ray U-ray X-ray.

Seems like finding, hiring, scheduling and meeting with a motivational coach is impossible.

It's when war isn't, like, a big deal. It's just war.

Todd: Happy Hump Day!

Quasimodo: Eat shit, Todd.

I will be unable to attend negotiations to end the war I started because I have to see these two oily guys whale on each other.

Yeah, when is the Pope going to build more prisons?

'I'm not an egomaniac or sacrilegious, I'm just very stupid." *Dusts hands*

*pinch zooms*
*takes screenshot*
*pinch zooms on screenshot*
*takes screenshot*
*pinch zooms on screenshot*
*takes screenshot*
*pinch zooms on screenshot*

"My god... it's made of... pixels."

*Pours gas on the fire*

I am putting the fire out.

*Pours more gas on the fire*

"You better not block that!"
*Blocks that themselves*

A hand with five middle fingers

Artist:

Artist: After three long years of meticulous work, my artistic endeavor is ready for public consumption.

PR guy: What verb should we use for this?

PR guy 2: How about the same verb I use when something carelessly slips out of my hand and breaks on the floor.

PR guy 3: And what I do to a deuce!

There's this newer band that I kind of like called The Strokes.

*Looks at clock*

Holy shit, I've been a Strokes fan for 25 years.

Also, why does my clock display the current year and the year the first Strokes album came out?

All cakes are crumb cakes.

Me, crooning: Graaaavy, Graaaavy

Gravy: Aw yissssss

Me, blocking my street so I can be given the right to charge cars $2 million to drive through it.

an older man in a brown jacket is standing in front of a tree and saying no . Alt: Old Captain America in a brown jacket is standing in front of a tree and saying no, I don't think I will

"If you insist on manhandling that stove, you could turn it off first," I said.

He replied:

"Ouch! That stove was really hot!" he said as he reached out and touched the stove again.

"Ouch! I'm so burned. Please feel sorry for my plight!" he moaned as he began French kissing the stove.

"Mmmmwaaarrgghhhh!" he cried as he unzipped his pants.

Dr Manhattan sitting on Mars

Iran is nuked, Armageddon is triggered, Jesus returns to Earth. "They call the day I died *what* Friday?!"
Jesus leaves Earth.

Me, playing poker, miffed about not catching a card on my draw: Open ended Fuckin' Straight, you crazy bastards!

This is like when you give a 16 year old a sports car and they drive it right into the first telephone pole.

Went to the movies and there were only four other people in the theater. It was a five in movie.

*Opens eyes in the tomb* "Ugh, I have to work tomorrow."

I'm just sad Jesus missed a whole weekend.

Project Hail Mary was very good. It's cool when talented people try to make something good. Wish it happened more often.

Last time I went to the moon there wasn't anything to do there. I hope they added a Sizzler for these guys.

a green cartoon character with big eyes and a yellow beak Alt: a green cartoon character with big eyes and a yellow beak. Gumby

Did Gumby have a traumatic injury that caused his head to be shaped like that? Or was he just born like that?

History is the only class that gets harder every year.

Me, disco dancing.