Why did she stop there? Could’ve added raisins.

I just watched my sister in law eat tacos with ketchup and wash it down with a glass of milk.

I’m done.
I, for one, am going to embrace the end times.

I just shit so big I had to check if I was two people.

“WHO WANTS TO SCREAM AND FUCK?!?!?!?”

-cicadas

Not enough whimsy

Yes, I have a pair. “These are my fuck pants”.

I’ll take two!

Being kind of a big deal is exhausting

Do you cook it like it gets cooked on a pizza? We probably have very different ideas of what nachos are. Even where I’m at nachos are made differently from one person to another.

On nachos? I’m intrigued.

Dis me

All this civil unrest better not fuck up Toyota-Thon.

Easiest way to declare a state of emergency is to create the emergency.

Chicken coop!

I hate in shows where they say shit like “oh, I’ve got desert for you at home 😉”

If I got home and dessert was sex and not cake, I’d be fucking irate.

My Barbie Dream House would have a craft room AND a sex dungeon.

Got called a sad sack of shit today, which has inspired me to work extra hard in therapy to be a happy sack of shit.

It… 😅

I made a banana bread so perfect that Paul Hollywood would not only shake my hand, he’d also go down on me.

It’s too early for this shit.

It’s only 8:25 in the morning and I’ve already said “I bet Gary Busey going down on you would probably feel like face fucking a horse”.

Battleshits!!!!