🎶That’s what you get when you let your fart win.🎶

- A Paramore song about sharting.

not now damn it, I’m romancing the stone (found a cool rock on the ground so I’m licking it to see what it would look like after a few rounds in my rock tumbler)

They make you poop.

a cartoon of squidward from spongebob squarepants standing in front of a window Alt: a cartoon of squidward from spongebob squarepants standing in front of a window

Starting my diet, and noticing everyone eating the most enjoyable food, while I'm scoffing down rice cakes

If you ever wake up in a bed made out of Crunch Berries next to a cow in a purple tutu, don't eat the bacon on the nightstand. It will turn you into a spoon.

Serendipity sounds like you still skip when you’re happy

Press cold feet against his back.

get to the pointe

~dancers, probably

can't, I'm letting the dogs out

push notifications but it’s just my IBS

Tonight’s write: spooky sounding songs about happiness

Cats. Dogs would chase squirrels.

Most do feel like sandpaper.

Being horny toad on main (lying on a sun-warmed rock, eating bugs, and shooting foul-smelling blood from my eyes as a defense mechanism)

It's made from unicorn farts.

The amount of gummy sharks I've eaten has turned my tongue blue!!

Husband snoring?

Avoid Teflon. Makes you cough.

I date people who are messy because dumpster fires are hot

I miss my mp3 player at times.

I'm no one's cup of tea.

I'm hoping to be someone's glass of tang, though

I have a smorgasbord of snacks for those who celebrate today

Hoping they don’t close the Strait of Hormel. I need my Spam.

3 dogs passed out on the same couch. Abby closest, middle Rita, furthest Taco

Lightweights. Happy 420

Upgradeable storage and RAM on any PC, and must be an industry standard.

apple assphone (the phone you shove up your ass)

It was the breast of times

They need to stop publishing books until I’m caught up reading them all.

I try not to smoke pots. They're a pain to clean.