Hello, I’m in charge of the airport, and I was thinking that maybe every 20 minutes a high-pitched, whining noise should go off. And no one who works at the airport knows why it is happening. And I’m thinking it’s loud, like maybe somewhere in the 200 db range. Just brainstorming here…

I get two free hash browns if I put on the exploding collar? Ok!

The screenplay for the sequel was turned in the day before 9/11. After 9/11 happened, they said, “We can’t make Forrest Gump 2.”

When I see celebrities hanging out with other celebrities, I’m like, “Wow, that’s like me and MY friends. We’re the celebrities of OUR lives.”

One thing I just realized is that a tree is like a bigger version of a smaller plant. Interesting.

There is nothing more disgusting to me than seeing an ADULT man in a matching sweatsuit. Leave that look to toddlers and prisoners, please. When I see you at the airport, it makes me want to jump head first into a plane’s engine.

Sometimes I imagine this dream scenario where I’m the guy who invented condominiums, and every night in bed my wife whispers, “Honey, I’m so proud of you for inventing condominiums,” as she drifts off to sleep.

When basketball players slam dunk, what’s actually happening is that angels are carrying their bodies to the hoop.