Cardio exercise is important to do so you can identify what dying feels like

they should invent cigarettes that are good for you

Saw Godzilla trending and got excited he might have been destroying my area

I run a fan club. The fan club is for me, and I'm the only member.

It's a really toxic fandom though. We really hate that guy.

Time traveling to Dallas on November 22, 1963 and running up to JFK's car, yelling "noooooooo" and diving in slow motion to hold up his nephew in front of him as a shield.

“But if you tax the billionaires they will leave” honestly that is the main point, now, the tax revenue would just be a nice little bonus.

Me: If I were rich, I'd outfit a really nice kitchen and throw dinner parties for all of my friends!

Actual rich people: I hunt children for sport

I know this isn't the time for jokes, but also it is precisely the time for jokes

just saw myself in the mirror

amazingly, still look like I did in my thirties

fucked up

Most of social media right now is making fun of the fact that we are in hell

“Don’t you wish teleportation was real?!” Under capitalism?? Heck no. They’d take a percentage of your molecules out every trip to sustain the lifeforce of some decaying billionaire.

*makes it rain DNRs

huh posting gallows jokes on the internet isn't making me feel any better weird has anyone else experienced this sort of thing

Student loan servicers hate this one simple trick: [dies]

In 2010 I graduated with $25k in student loans. After paying for 15 years I’ve got them down to $37,339.

It was very nice outside today, in a stunning rebuke of current events

[millennial trying to fire a younger coworker]

so you lowkey don’t work here anymore, unc

[time traveler arrives]

Damn, you guys live like this?

I simply do not understand why aliens don’t want to abduct me

Can people change? Sure! I’m rapidly deteriorating as we speak.

The secret of living in Orlando is to eat all your meals at Disney World because it’s cheaper than Publix.

Every show is about an apocalypse and they’re all cooler than this one.

I guess if my parents like disappointment?

bro did you seriously not heed the teachings of yore

Learn from mistakes? Sir, I AM a mistake. That other people made.

i will do ridiculous things for money for example today i will use some of my life force to answer emails

I say I’m doing my best but who knows if that’s even true

Living in terrible times but still whining about small annoying things

Friends and family: you need to try and live in the moment

Me: ok but like, this moment?