Q: What do Megyn Kelly, Tucker Carlson, Candace Owens, Alex Jones, and Marjorie Taylor Greene all have in common?
A: They have all turned against Donald Trump for reasons other than him raping children.
DID YOU KNOW? Marijuana has been shown to alleviate nausea, vomiting, insomnia, headaches, anxiety, and depression, all of which are symptoms of Donald Trump being president.
BREAKING: FBI Director Kash Patel sues The Atlantic for 250 million daiquiris.
The Atlantic: "Kash Patel is often drunk and absent from work."
Karoline Leavitt: "If he's absent from work, how do they know he's drunk?"
"If you call me an incompetent drunken cross-eyed psycho, I'll sue you for defamation." - Kash Patel, incompetent drunken cross-eyed psycho
Ceasefire declared.
Republicans: "Yay, Trump did it!"
Ceasefire cancelled.
Republicans: *whistle tunelessly while staring into space*
Ceasefire declared.
Republicans: "Yay, Trump did it!"
BREAKING: Billionaire pretends that every penny of profit from AI won't go to billionaires.
"I made a deal to keep the Strait of Hormuz open. I mean it this time."
BELOW: Donald Trump Jr. on the DoorDash app looking for "cocaine" under condiments.
SHOCKER: The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame has once again failed to induct these shitty musicians.
He's a moron.
He's always been a moron.
You're a moron for voting for him.
According to sources close to the Vice President, JD Vance is considering coming out as a pedophile to be more acceptable to Trump supporters.
Donald Trump: "I'm going to raise tariffs and start a war to make everything more expensive for no reason."
MAGA: "I can't afford to support my family because Joe Biden made schoolchildren trans."
Megyn Kelly, Tucker Carlson, Candace Owens, Alex Jones, and Marjorie Taylor Greene are rats deserting a sinking ship.
Get back on the ship, rats. You deserve to drown.
BREAKING: Donald Trump has announced a new deal with Iran where they do whatever they want whenever they want and he stands there with his tiny dick in his tiny hand.
Donald Trump is not a political genius or a genius of any kind. He ran for president out of pure narcissism and accidentally tapped into a thick, rich vein of American stupid.
Donald Trump is threatening to destroy a "whole civilization… never to be brought back again," but at least Merrick Garland kept his investigation from looking too political.
Face it, MAGA, if your president's name weren't all over the Epstein files, they would have been released unredacted, printed, and bound in $500 special editions signed by Trump, recorded as an audio book by Mel Gibson and James Woods, and tattooed on Laura Loomer's ass.
Jesus: "I rose from the dead after three days and I still don't believe Donald Trump's ear could heal that quickly."
If he died today, it would be the greatest thing that ever happened on Easter.
Has anything ever looked less holy than Donald and Melania Trump standing in a church?
Dear Pam Bondi,
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Warmest regards,
Me
P.S. Ha ha ha fuck you.
There are a lot of countries that allow birthright citizenship, but there is only one stupid enough to make you president.
BELOW: Donald Trump, who plans to attend Supreme Court arguments on birthright citizenship, reminding Justice Kavanaugh that rapists stick together.
Is Kristi Noem going to shoot these puppies?
During this difficult time, please show as much compassion to Kristi Noem as she has shown to people of color.
At this point, Donald Trump is more likely to have a degenerative disease named after him than a ballroom.
Melania Trump did this to the White House rose garden so her husband couldn't bury her there.
According to a rumor I just started, Lauren Boebert is quitting Congress to spend more time with her son's parole officer.
SELF-CARE TIP: If you're not Rob Schneider, remind yourself that at least you're not Rob Schneider.