Stayed up too late after I took my meds, got high, and ate a whole sleeve of ritz crackers badabingbadaboom this is how you high shitpost on meds. Watch and learn Rosanne Barr

I think I ate too much cheese

If I were the president I’d just fake call out sick like half the time or more and watch tv in bed tbh and I’d probably still do a better job

So he didn’t fuck it up and get Han pregnant

Gas prices are hitting those considering feet pics for real prices goddamn

I miss my boy

Set off the smoke detectors and then fell asleep. So I guess you could say it’s been a productive afternoon.

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See you Saturday king

You’re welcome

He’s making feet pic accounts for the lord above now RIP

a man is standing on a stage holding a microphone and a red cup . ALT: a man is standing on a stage holding a microphone and a red cup .

He ain’t got no nipples!

I want a speedboat that can sail and maneuver on land to go from place to place

went for food and drinks last night with a friend and met a new friend but they wanted to exchange contact info with a QR code or a tap card and in the world of internet scams I’m sorry but no. You can be the coolest person on earth but no new friend is worth risking digital security in this economy

I think it’s lame to say you get your tits chopped off if you’re ftm and get top surgery.

There’s such a lost opportunity to say you get to suck them titties so hard they fall off. But that’s just me.

Are glow in the dark thongs too much to ask for in this cruel fucking world

That one person who definitely has Covid but won’t admit it because they want to keep their “I’ve never had Covid” streak alive

Coming up with new rap lyrics and so far I have: nutsack heart attack

I’m trying to stay on the Christian side of Bluesky with all the other shitposting atheists

Nosferatu said there’d be three comings of the anti christ or something and that the last one would be a vampire who lived in forks Washington

God damn I love taking selfies on the toilet with Snapchat filters

I’ve just seen an extremely upsetting pop tart commercial and it’s going to take some time to heal

Come here often? Looking at my dog as she pees in the same spot she does every morning and evening

Yesterday I was walking in an unfamiliar downtown area and this lady jumped out of her car in front of me on the sidewalk which felt alarming but then she told me I looked smashing and extensively complimented my appearance and fashion 💅 went from a mugging to a hugging situation

They should invent a pill that makes your shit smell good

Today I got the weakest coffee of my life at the airport for $10

Yeah no I feel that actually

5 in 1 therapy for men

I can’t stop pissin the bed

You’ll get em next time